We’ve revised 10b Shar: Goin’ to the Temple scene (all I can hear are the Chiffons singing, “Goin’ to the temple and we’re . . . gonna get busted, busted . . .”) , but we thought you might like to see the revision process, too. So here’s the very rough draft I sent Lani and Krissie. This has placeholder dialogue for Daisy and Abby because I knew they’d both have to do major revisions, and it’s followed by the e-mails we traded back and forth before the next draft:
“Where’s Daisy?” Abby said when Shar and Wolfie met her and Beastie in the faculty breakroom in the Ancient History Building. She was wearing another brightly colored skirt, this one in orange and hot pink, and Shar stopped at the rush of pleasure the color gave her.

“Beautiful skirt.”

“Thanks.” Abby readjusted the big bag she was carrying on her shoulder. “Daisy didn’t strike me as the type to be late.”

“This is bad,” Wolfie said, “this is very bad.”

Shar looked to see if Abby had heard, but she was looking at Beastie, who’d moved beside Wolfie, making a sound that would have been a growl if hadn’t been so reassuring.

Of course she hadn’t heard. I’m the only whack job here, Shar thought, and said, “She said she’d be here,” as she pulled on the bookcase to get to the door of the temple, and then Daisy came in with Bailey, looking exasperated.

Bailey looked thrilled, leaping with joy to see them, literally.

“I checked to make sure Kami wasn’t in there,” Daisy said, joining them. “She’s on the roof deck, in one of those plastic chaise lounges, with sunglasses on, drinking Kool-aid and reading World Weekly News and Star. Mina and the dogs are with her.”

Abby frowned. “I figured Mina would die screaming if the sunlight hit her.”

“Har,” Wolfie barked.

“That’s a really bizarre visual.” Shar swung the bookcase out.

“Everything about this is bizarre,” Daisy said, looking around, probably checking to see nobody was watching. “This is not good.”

“What are you?” Shar said to her. “Wolfie?”

“Hey,” Wolfie said, and Shar pushed open the door and the utter blackness inside made her pause.

“Dark in there,” Abby said, keeping her voice bright.

“We’re goin’ home,” Wolfie said and turned to go, but Shar stepped into the temple, pulling her big blue maglight out of her bag and switching it on.

“I want to see that bas relief,” she said.

“I’m going to find any paperwork I can and copy it here,” Daisy said, casting a longing look at the sure, safe, normal Xerox machine. “And then we are out of here.”

“Not good,” Wolfie said and followed her in, the other dogs pressing close with him.

“Listen, the recipe for the drink,” Abby said to Daisy, following her in. “If you find the recipe, I want that.”

“Crap, it’s dark in here,” Daisy said and turned on the little flashlight on her keychain as Shar played her big light over the room.

It was freaky as hell with the tiki torches turned off.

Bailey leaped in the air, and Shar could have sworn his yips sounded like “Crap, crap, crap,” but then she was getting used to hearing Wolfie talk, so she was probably projecting.

“She keeps her stuff on the altar,” Daisy said and went that way, and Abby said, “The recipe, please,” and followed her, and Shar went back to the bas relief.

The dogs sat down in a line and waited, making little dog noises as if they were talking to each other. She heard Wolfie said, “Well, what can you do,” and then she put her light on the bas-relief.

Nine figures. Starting at the left, there were two vacant looking little goddesses. Bun-and-Gen, Shar thought, smiling to herself at the joke, and then her smile faded. They did look like Bun and Gen. She moved the flashlight to the next two. It was hard to tell in stone, but that looked like Abby’s round pretty face and the next one had Daisy’s pointed chin.

This isn’t good, Shar thought and then felt Wolfie’s cold little nose on her leg.

“Not good,” he said.

“All that’s here is these damn tabloids,” Daisy snapped behind them, rustling the papers on the altar. “Where the hell does she get her taste in reading?”

“I think those were Bun-and-Gen’s,” Shar said, over her shoulder.

“I’m not finding anything,” Daisy snapped.

“Shhhh,” Abby said, soothingly. “Have a cookie.”

“You brought cookies?” Daisy said.

“Cookies?” Wolfie trotted back to the altar.

Shar moved closer to read the cuneiform beside the first figure. “Abi-sinti,” the inscription read beside the first figure and then the cuneiform for . . . desire? Lust? Hunger?

“Is that recipe anywhere there?” Abby said. “I want that recipe.”

“Cookie!” Bailey yipped, leaping beside Abby.

“Nope, recipe’s not here, but these cookies are really good,” Daisy said to her. “Down, Bail.” She came up behind Shar, crunching. “What are you looking at?”

“Abi-sinti,” Shar said and moved to the next figure. Humusi, the cuneiform read. And then . . . passion? Chaos?

“This place is a mess,” Daisy said around her cookie. “Give me half an hour in here and you’d see a major difference. Better lighting for one thing.”

Oh, boy, Shar thought, and moved on, past the Kammani figure because she already knew the bad news there, stopping briefly at the Sam figure—god, he’s beautiful—trying not to read about how he’d slain demons and led his armies to victory and saved his people because she was already dizzy looking at those shoulders without hearing what he could do with them—do not look lower—so she moved the light again, stopping when she reached the figure on the other side of him.

The female figures had to be goddesses, they were all facing forward, they all had wings, but they were all smaller than Kammani, so demi-goddesses. And the demi-goddess she was looking at now had pretty much the same square jaw she saw in the mirror every morning. Shar took a deep breath and put her flashlight on the cuneiform beside the bas relief of what she was pretty sure was her ancestress:

Sharrat Sippar.

Ecstasy.

Shar stood there stunned, while Daisy said, “What? What’s wrong? We’re in trouble aren’t we? Listen the door is right there–”

“Not good?” Wolfie whined.

“You okay, baby?” Abby said, coming to stand beside her. “Have a cookie.”

Shar took the cookie without thinking and bit into it while she stared at Sharrat Sippar.

The slut.
Then the intense punch of the chocolate hit her, and the richness of the tender buttery pastry that held it, and the cool pungent crunch of the nuts, and her head reeled again and lost her breath.

“She’s hyperventilating,” Daisy said briskly. “Get a paper bag.”

“I’m fine,” Shar said and took another bite of cookie. “God, these are good.” Plus, clouding her thoughts with pleasure seemed like a good move right now. “These are us,” she said around the cookie. “These demi-goddesses. The first one is Abi-sinti, demi-goddess of . . . hunger. Lust. Something like that.”

“Abi-sinti?” Abby said and moved down to look at her, grabbing Daisy by the hand with the flashlight and taking her with her. “Lust I like. But not hunger. I never get hungry. It’s like I missed that gene or something. So, probably not me.”

“What’s this one?” Daisy said, pointing her light at the next one.

“That would be you,” Shar said. “Humusi, goddess of passion. Chaos.”

“That is not me,” Daisy said firmly.

“Oh, please, look at that chin,” Abby said.

Daisy leaned closer. “Oh, god. I’m Hummus?”

“Humusi,” Shar said and ate more cookie.

“I can’t be chaos,” Daisy said. “I hate chaos.”

“Have a cookie,” Abby said and gave Daisy another one as she moved down the line.

“Cookie,” Wolfie said, and she gave him a piece.

This was no time to be denying anybody anything.

“Cookie!” Bailey said and leaped in the air and Shar broke the last of hers in half and gave him a piece and one to sweet, silent Beastie, who took it carefully.

“And here we have Big Mama,” Abby said, looking at Kammani. She moved on. “And Hello Sailor. And . . .” She stopped in front of Early Shar. “You?”

“Sharrat Sippar,” Shar said, staring at Many-Times-Great Grandma.

Daisy came to join them, carefully picking the crumbs off her T-shirt. “So what’s her deal? She the goddess of footnotes?”

Oh, I wish, Shar thought.

Daisy paused. “Something’s wrong? What does it say? What–”

“Oh, calm down,” Abby said. “It’s probably just the opposite of what she is. Mine was hunger and I’m never hungry, yours was chaos and you’re never our of control, and hers is . . .?”

“Shar?” Daisy said.

“Ecstasy,” Shar said.

“Oh, bummer,” Abby said. “Have a cookie.”

“Oh, honey.” Daisy put her arm around Shar’s shoulders.

“Does that mean you’ve never . . .” Abby said.

“Yep,” Shar said, keeping her flashlight on Sharrat Sippar. “No matter what I tried. And now I’m thinking there’s a reason. I don’t know what it is, but there’s a reason you keep feeding people without eating yourself, and Daisy keeps trying to organize Bailey and the world, and I can’t . . . find pleasure in anything.” She frowned. “That’s not right, I take pleasure in my work. I just can’t . . .”

“Finish?” Daisy said brightly.

“Oh, my god,” Shar said and turned away from the relief.

Her kitchen was still half-painted. She’d never had an orgasm. The women in her family had been working on that damn book for a hundred years. Maybe those were clues, she told herself savagely.
“I’m thinking years of therapy for all of us,” she said, and then her light fell on the back of the altar where Daisy had sorted all the tabloids into neat piles, all the National Enquirers in one stack, the Weekly World News in the next—

“You’re really fighting your destiny,” Shar told her. “We’re all fighting our destinies. We’re descended from demi-goddesses, and for some reason we’re . . . .”

“Repressing our true natures?” Abby said. She took a cookie out of the bag, looked at it with no real interest, and dropped it back in.

“I am not destined to be chaotic,” Daisy said firmly.

Shar pointed the light at the altar. “You organized the Weekly World News. Alphabetical?”

Daisy folded her arms. “By date.”

“Yeah, you don’t have a problem,” Abby said.

“Have a cookie,” Daisy snapped back.

Shar moved the flashlight off the magazines to be kind, and the light dropped to the back of the altar, to another bas relief, this one in two tiers, full of figures:

“Hello,” she said and went closer and they followed her.

“That’s here,” Daisy said, pointing to the lower relief. “That’s the door to this building. I recognize the triple frame. Who’s the naked guy with the bong?”

“Not a bong. That’s a libation vessel.” Shar tried not to notice that the naked guy was the biggest one in the room. Probably a lot of big guys had been in this temple. And anyway, it couldn’t be Sam: no beard.

“He’s got a crowd behind him,” Abby said, leaning over Shar’s shoulder. “Maybe it’s a party and he’s pouring.”

“He looks kinda stoned,” Daisy said.

Shar and Abby looked at her and she said, “Come on, that was funny.”

Abby said, “Hey, he’s pouring. The Kool-aid recipe isn’t written on there, is it?”

“It’s an altar, not a kitchen table,” Shar said, but she moved the flash to look for cuneiform, and Daisy put her little light on the guy again, moving it to the right.

“Who are those people behind him?” Daisy said. “That woman with the hat and the braids . . . oh. Braids.”

“She’s a goddess,” Shar said. “See how she’s facing forward and the rest are in profile?”

“It’s Kami,” Daisy said, her voice dark. “I’d recognize that hair anywhere.”

“The guy behind her is carrying a dog,” Abby said, distress in her voice. “They didn’t sacrifice dogs, did they?”

Beastie growled.

“I don’t think so,” Shar said. “I think they just sacrificed Sam.”

“Who’s Sam?” Abby said.

“It’s the nickname I gave the guy in the relief,” Shar said, remembering too late she hadn’t mentioned the god rising in her bedroom. “Hold on, let me read the cuneiform under here.”

“I don’t like this,” Daisy said, keeping her own flash on the bottom of the relief. “Can’t we take pictures of this and study it later? This place is creepy when Kami’s here and creepier when she isn’t, and she keeps showing up in stone, and you know that means that sooner or later, she’s gonna show up–”

Shar bent lower to get a better look at the writing under the plaque. “Sumu-la-el,” she read. Oh, just hell.

“Is that the guy in the big relief?” Abby said. “Good guess, nicknaming him Sam.”

“Kammani, Goddess of Light and Life, greatest of all goddesses,” Shar read.

Daisy snorted. “Bet she paid somebody to put that on there.”

Shar moved her light to the inscription under the guy holding the dog. “‘Milki-la-el, high priest to Nanshe.’ That’s the guy with the dog.”

“Milky? Hell of a name for a god,” Abby said. “Milky and his consort, Cookie.”

“He’s not a god. He was the first great mathmetician. This must have been an important sacrifice, although I have no idea why they’d need him there.”

“What’s Cookie’s real name? The woman behind him.” Daisy asked, pressing in closer and almost toppling Shar over.

Abby leaned in and the dogs drew near, all six of them in one clump behind the altar.
It was nice.

“Um,” Shar said, squinting at the cuneiform. “It’s Nisaba. She was the goddess of the palace archives. Funny she’s not facing forward. Whoever commissioned this relief must not have liked her. Or feared her.”

“Well, she was basically the goddess of the back-up drive,” Daisy said. “I’m guessing she wasn’t high in the ranking.”

“Milki-la-el was her priest,” Shar said. “This must have a been a big deal.”

“He’s got the same last name as Sam,” Abby said. “Maybe he was a relative.”

“I doubt it,” Shar said, moving the flashlight up to the top layer. “I don’t think . . . well, wait a minute.” She stretched to read the inscription above the plaque.

“‘Sumu-la-el pours the libation before the great god, Enki.’ Enki was his grandfather, so maybe this is some kind of family gathering.” She moved her flashlight to the right as she spoke. “Oh, wait. I forgot. Nisaba was his mother Nanshe’s sister, so she’s his aunt–”

Her light hit the last of the figures—three of them—and she stopped.

“What?” Daisy said, when she stopped. “Did you hear something? Is somebody coming? I knew it. I knew we’d get caught.”

“No, I didn’t hear anything. It’s just . . . there are three women behind him.”

“He had three wives?” Abby said.

“No, they’re priestesses,” Shar said. “It reads ‘Sumu-la-el pours the libation for the great god Enki. Sumu-la-el, beloved of the Three.’”

“Beloved of the three?” Abby said. “He had three girl-friends who were priestesses?”

I wouldn’t be surprised, Shar thought, but she said, “It’s not that kind of beloved, it’s more like worshipped, spiritual regard.”

“We’re missing the obvious here,” Daisy said grimly. “The Three. They’re us. Or the ancient version of us.”

“That is not my nose,” Abby said.

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in hair like that,” Daisy said.

“It’s not us,” Shar said. “It’s our ancestors.”

“Looks like you,” Wolfie said.

“Don’t worry,” Beastie rumbled.

“It’s you!” Bailey said, leaping for joy again.

“It doesn’t look like us,” Daisy said to Wolfie.

“Not us,” Abby said to Bailey.

“You can all hear them, too?” Shar said and they stared at each other in the glow from the flashlights.

“There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this,” Daisy said firmly. “If we’re all calm–”

“I can explain,” Kammani said, and Daisy screamed and Abby said, “Fuck,” and Shar dropped the flashlight and plunged them into darkness.

“This isn’t good,” Wolfie said.

And here are the e-mails we swapped back and forth about the revision notes:

From: jenny
Subject: Very Rough, but I Rock
Date: July 3, 2007 3:34:40 PM EDT
To: threegoddesses
I love this. It has no structure yet and I’m sure it needs cut and you definitely need to fix your girls and your dogs but . . .
I am so cool.
[first draft file attached]

From: Lani
Sent: Wednesday, July 04, 2007 11:27 AM
To: threegoddesses
Subject: RE: Very Rough, but I Rock

Okay, I’ve got my comments in there. Mostly took out Daisy’s edge - she’s
wound tight, but it was coming off a touch hostile - and I made some
suggestions for cuts - mostly the Milki, Nanshe, Nisaba stuff, because I
thought it killed the pacing, although Krissie should chime in before you
change a thing. I just think the scene is huge, the first TP, and it should
be about them (and Sam - definitely keep the Sam stuff.) I think maybe that
moment where they all realize that they’re all hearing the dogs could be hit
a little harder - maybe if Shar has some kind of foreboding about how much
has truly changed now, I don’t know.
But it’s awesome. When I read it, I got chills, it’s so good. So, so, soooo
good.

From: jenny
Subject: Re: Very Rough, but I Rock
Date: July 4, 2007 12:15:33 PM EDT
To: threegoddesses

I LOVE Daisy’s voice SO MUCH in your rewrite. “Don’t dwell.” It’s wonderful.

“Is Shar subconsciously processing Wolfie’s talking? Because earlier she reacted to hearing Bailey. It’s okay if that’s the case, she’s so distracted she doesn’t realize what she’s processing subconsciously, but I’m just not sure if that’s what you wanted.”

Shar has accepted that Wolfie talks. This is after the scene with Sam and Ray, and another scene where Sam brings Wolfie to school (you’ve seen an earlier draft of that one) so by now, Wolfie talking to her is no big deal.

But I think the first time she hears Bailey, she assumes she’s just projecting because she’s heard Wolfie. And after that, it’s just people talking in the background. But I knew I was skating close to the edge there. So I can take that out, no problem, that she hears Bailey. I think it’s set up that the dogs are talking to each other, so that’s probably enough.

“Blink, sweetie.” LOVE IT.

You know, I had meant that it was Shar who gave Wolfie a cookie, but it’s MUCH funnier if Daisy does it. He says, “Cookie” and she automatically breaks off a piece for him and goes on. He’s whining at her feet (we’ll change “said” to “whined”) so it could be just that, but the reader is going to go, “Hey, she can hear him.” And she’s in the throes of finding out she’s chaos, so it’s not going to make her stop and think, it’s like giving a kid a cookie while you’re doing something else. Automatic. Then any of them can feed the other two dogs. To be fair. Krissie, that might be good for Abby to do.

I’m good with Abby doing something to make the “ecstasy” moment stronger. But I’m going to leave that to Krissie because she’s going to have to re-do Abby’s dialogue anyway. ( I LOVE the stuff you’ve done with Daisy’s dialogue. Well, I just love Daisy.)

“Save that for the last of the three here. The orgasm is the big hit.”
I had the orgasm last. I’m just not sure that’s Shar’s big hit. She’s spent her whole life not finishing the book. Sex isn’t that important to her. (Yet. Enter Sam. Literally.)

“I’m a little wary about this part - there’s so much describing of bas reliefs which won’t be pictured in the book, and the introduction of Milki - does that have to happen here? They’ve just had a huge moment with the realization of who they are. Couldn’t someone snap pictures of the rest and then fit the rest of it and figure this part out later?”

I think it can be cut back severely. But for right now, we’re doing it on the blog so the pictures aren’t a problem (although we probably don’t need that many). Let me cogitate on this and see what Krissie says, too, and then when I rewrite it, I’ll rewrite it as if the pix aren’t there. We can still put them in when we put it up on the blog for fun, or do a divine thoughts on the pictures if it’s too intrusive. I really love the way it makes the book real, but I also get that it slows the scene down. I haven’t done a structure analysis on this yet, either, because I wanted the two of you doing character revisions and giving me the plot stuff before I started looking at structure, so this is great.

I have to change that “It’s an altar not a kitchen table” to “It’s an altar not a cookbook,” don’t know why I didn’t see that. Well, because it’s a first draft, that’s why.

Hmmm, I see what you mean. Okay, Shar gives Abby the flashlight to hold and starts to take pictures somewhere in there. Probably after Daisy tells her to.

“Horny, Hummus, and Coming.” LOL
“Horny, Hummus, and Hooray?
Horny, Hummus, and Hooha!?
Horny, Hummus and “Hoo boy!”?

I’ll change Shar’s line to be more explicatory, instead of just repeating Daisy.

Krissie will have to change Abby’s line since Bailey’s changed, but that’s okay, she’ll be changing most of Abby’s dialogue.

And yeah, we need less Milki, more “I can hear all the dogs.” You’re right, it’s a structure thing.

I’ll wait for Krissie to do her pass, but I’ll cut a lot of the stone stuff, use it later in the scene with Sam where he’s talking about Milki. That’s better.

Great revisions. Thank you!

From: lani
Subject: RE: Very Rough, but I Rock
Date: July 4, 2007 12:47:23 PM EDT
To: threegoddesses
Reply-To: threegoddesses
I like Horny, Hummus and Coming. People are expecting the third “H” and I
think it’s both more believable and funnier if Daisy doesn’t do it.
But I will defer to mass vote.
The thing about Shar is that she convinces herself she can’t hear Bailey,
but then accepts the dogs’ dialogue without question from that point
forward. I read it as that she heard them, but didn’t have the presence of
mind to fight herself on it or notice much until the end. Really, not a big
detail.
Thanks, babe. It’s really a fabulous scene.

From: jenny
Subject: Re: Very Rough, but I Rock
Date: July 4, 2007 12:52:19 PM EDT
To: threegoddesses
I’m good with “coming” then.
And I can just cut that part where she hears them early on. I think it’s confusing. Besides I think their powers grow when they’re together, so if they all can hear at the end of the scene when they’re pressed close together behind the altar, it makes more sense.
From: krissie
Subject: Re: Very Rough, but I Rock
Date: July 4, 2007 12:59:02 PM EDT
To: threegoddesses
Here ’tis. My stuff is minor — I agree with most of what Lani said.
It’s wonderful!
Krissie