1b. Abby: Into the Temple
Abby Richmond tore down the street towards the Ancient History building, her ancient two-tone station wagon practically dancing on two wheels, and at the last minute she slammed it into a parking spot, narrowly missing someone coming from the opposite direction. She took a deep breath, turning off the car as she looked over at her huge black dog who’d miraculously kept his balance through her erratic driving “Looks like I almost screwed the pooch this time, Beastie,†she said.
Beastie turned his massive Newfoundland head and looked at her.
“Not you, sweetie,†Abby said.
She pulled the flyer from her purse and looked at it one more time:
The Kammani-Gula Dog Obedience Course”
Be a goddess to your dog!
This two week immersion course will teach you
to communicate with your dog
while commanding complete obedience.
Learn the ways of the goddess, Kammani-Gula,
whose sacred animal was the dog,
under the tutelage of Jamie Wortham,
anointed Kammani-Gula instructor.
â€Okay, I know you’re insulted by this since you’re one of the most mellow dogs on the face of this planet, but you know you have a problem. I think you must have watched too much Peter Pan in a previous life – you really have to stop thinking you have to rescue every child you see. If we’re going to live in this podunk college town, and we are, Beastie, we are, then you have to give up Nana-duty. So just suck it up, we’re going in.â€
Beastie looked at her and sighed and then sat up on the seat, almost as if he were saying, “Okay, let’s go.â€
â€Besides,†Abby said as she put the flyer back in her purse, “there’s always the chance we can pick up new customers. If we’re going to fix up an abandoned bar, we’re going to need cold, hard cash. Plus your kibble isn’t exactly cheap.â€
Beastie looked out the window, not even dignifying her remark by looking back.
She slid out of the car, fluffing her multi-hued, multi-layered skirts down her legs, yanked her bra straps up beneath her tank top, and tucked her waist-length hair behind her ears. Then she fastened Beastie’s industrial- strength leash to the collar she’d fashioned out of a thick leather belt. Beastie withstood the insult with his usual calm understanding. She reached for the box of handcrafted dog biscuits she’d made. The doggie treats were smelling so good she was tempted to try one herself. Beastie looked at her with his, “If you get one, I get one†looks and she said, “Sorry, babe. I only made nine – the other batches burned and I never burn things. If there are too many dogs, I’ll have to pretend I didn’t bring them. Then we can pig out on our way home.â€
Beastie bounded out of the car with uncharacteristic energy, and while he would never be so crass as to tug his mistress, he began to pull Abby steadily toward the Ancient History building, Abby’s absolute favorite on the campus because it looked like a giant stone wedding cake, square layer upon square layer, graduating into smaller levels as it moved upward until it reached its flat top, which really should have had another two layers to make it look suitably nuptial. Abby would have put on two more layers, anyway. Must have a bitchload of stairs, she thought absently.
Beastie’s steady pull on the leash was enough to make Abby realize she’d better move her butt.
“I don’t know why you’re in such a hurry, sweetie,†she said. “For all we know they do human sacrifices in there. Or dog sacrifices.â€
Beastie looked at her with fond contempt. Any ancient priest intent on canine sacrifice wouldn’t get very far with a Newfie. Abby gave up stalling “All right, Beastie. ‘Once more unto the breach’.†She climbed up the first level of steps, reached the heavy doors, and pushed one open, stepping into the murky light of the building. The directions on the back of the flyer were specific, and she walked into the faculty break room and through the door behind the bookcase that had been pulled out from the wall.
The room she and Beastie walked into was huge, shadowy, and made of stone, and for a moment she didn’t see the woman standing in front of her with a tray.
She looked like an over-the-top Salma Hayek, with an hourglass figure that put Abby’s own robust curves to shame. Her mass of curly black hair was tamed in smooth wings on the sides of her face, her clothes were plain draped linen and unlike anything Abby had ever seen on a dog-trainer, and the look she was giving the two of them was full of such approval it was unnerving.
“Welcome to Kammani-Gula’s Dog Obedience Course. You are Abby and Beastie.â€
All of Abby’s spidey-senses began to tingle. “How did you know?â€
The woman’s smile was rich and reassuring, and Abby’s momentary panic began to recede. “This is a special class. Only seven. We’re so pleased to have you join us. You may call me Kami. And you’ve brought an offering?â€
“Just some dog treats,†Abby said, still nervous. “I don’t think there’ll be enough. I had a little trouble …â€
“You brought enough.†Kami held out the tray. “Please have some kool-aid.â€
“I’m not really thirsty, thank you,†Abby said, eyeing the cup closest to her, full of yellow liquid that seemed to fizz slightly while she looked at it. There was no way she was drinking electric Kool-aid from a stranger.
She was getting the hell out of there. “I think I left something in the car,†she said, tugging at Beastie’s leash, but Beastie refused to move.
“You will like this,†Kami said, and shoved it in her hand. Abby looked down, reluctantly fascinated by the color and the little bubbles, less fascinated by the idea of drinking it, although Kami nodded her encouragement. “Come meet our trainer Jamie, and your fellow students and their beautiful, beautiful dogs.†She reached down to pat Beastie’s head, which came up to the level of her magnificent boobs, and Beastie promptly did the doggie equivalent of a bow. Abby stared at him in astonishment.
“I’m really not sure I should be here,†she said, clutching her cup. “Beastie is really very well behaved. It’s just that he’s so big, and he takes his duties very seriously, and sometimes he protects children that don’t need protecting.â€
“Of course he does,†Kami said in her soothing voice. “He takes care of people because it’s his nature, and because you want to take care of people. You want to make wonderful things that will rouse their hunger and then feed them.â€
That’s it, Abby thought. I’m getting out of here. This is just too creepy.
But Kami put her strong, graceful hand on Abby’s arm. “Come meet the others. You’ll find you have much in common.â€
Abby looked at the four women already sitting in the semi-circle of folding chairs before the big stone table that looked like an altar: Two giggling teenagers, a washed-out forty-something professor-type in glasses, and a dark-haired girl who looked like somebody Buffy would stake.
“Yeah, I can feel the bond already,†Abby said. “I actually don’t have a whole lot in common with teenagers or Morticia Addams.â€
“You will find that you share a great deal with some of them. The woman with the dachshund, Shar with Wolfie, will be your friend.â€
“Which one’s Wolfie?â€
Kami made an impatient sound. “She is a professor at the college. And Daisy will be here soon – she too is destined to be with you.â€
Destiny, Abby thought, looking at the woman in the glasses. The woman must have felt someone watching her, because she turned, meeting Abby’s eyes, and offered a tentative smile. And Abby found herself smiling back.
Kami waved toward the semi-circle. “Go.â€
And Abby went.
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YES! already loved it (talking dogs, do you not realize what a huge draw that is?), but this just cements my opinion- this is going to be a very, very good Fun Book.
it esp. made me laugh how she didn’t even blink about the “behind the bookcase that had been pulled out from the wall”.
I love it! Dogs and ancient goddesses? I am so there.
Oh! I’m loving it already! I’m a sucker for mythology AND dogs, so this is fantastic.
OK, I’m hooked. (sigh) You know you have to write the book now, right? And I loved the “behind the bookshelf” bit also–clever!
Sigh. Oh, yes. Wonderful. I am totally hooked.
This is going to be fascinating watching a work in progress. Thanks for letting us be an intimate part of it. Love the fact that it’s over the top. Go wild, indulge yourselves. Even if it’s a bumpy ride, I plan to laugh all the way.
I love the stone wedding cake and the room behind the bookcase. It would be a bookcase, wouldn’t it?
Interested to see what she delivers and why she drives an old station wagon–totally uncool, which means lots of room for improvement. Love the car dancing on two wheels.
Really interested to see how you all DO this.
I miss my dog, and I’m completely willing to love these dogs.
The Goddess in her ziggurat - beautemous! Can’t wait!!
I can’t wait to read this. I love the “funny Kool-Aid” and the atmosphere when she walks in, and I love the doggy treats. Maybe you could put a recipe for those treats in the book.
Loving it so far but do I get shot if I bring up a little point? Could be it’s just that I’m of an age (ok old) and remember the Jim Jones and the Kool-Aide that wasn’t really but everyone calls it that that had the poison that murdered all 900 plus of his followers many years ago…
could be a bubbly fruit juice…
Oooh, spooky, but in a good way. Definitely, this book is on my “to watch” list.
Pat, I know what you mean about the Kool-aid. At least it wasn’t grape-flavored! Rates about a 7 on my squick-o-meter. “You will love the Kool-aid” didn’t really help, either (-:. I just finished watching the Soap episodes where Billy gets kidnapped by the Sunnies.
On the other hand, the story could really go anywhere from here. Hard to wait and see!
Great scene! I love the last bit where Abby wants to “run”, just as Ms. Freaky predicts. Very funny.
By chance, will there be any fabulously sexy men involved somewhere down the line? Just curious.
Kate
Okay. The Kool-Aid thing? Totally not Krissie’s fault. Here’s how it went down:
First, we chose Kool-Aid because Kool-Aid is inherently funny. It’s Cool, but with a K. And plus, the big walking pitcher Kool-Aid guy. Man. What a sucky job that must have been.
Then, in my first draft of Daisy’s scene, I had her say to Shar, “The Kool-Aid’s good. Tastes like mojitos,” and then I had Shar say, “Smells like Jonestown,” and Jenny said, “No,” and I said, “But it’s funny,” and Jenny said, “No,” and I said, “But it’s–” and Jenny said, “No,” and I eventually let it go because I’m totally reasonable that way. And it was a 2-to-1 vote. So, the good news is… two of the three D&G authors have sensitivity and taste. Yay!
Where was I? Oh, yeah. So we changed it to punch.
Then, we hated punch. The word itself isn’t right, it’s too generic, and generic isn’t funny. So, we switched it back to Kool-Aid, because it’s the first of many mistakes Kami will make. And Krissie got stuck with it. But if it’s got a squick factor of 7 amongst people with taste and sensitivity (hey, I have other qualities) then maybe we should rethink.
So… thoughts? Suggestions?
Just for the record I had to say, “No,” more than three times. When I’m the arbiter of good taste on a project, you know we’re in trouble.
But I think Kool-aid is funny, too. And punch really wasn’t making it. I thought briefly about Gator-ade, but didn’t mention it to anybody because Kool-aid is funny and “She drank the Kool-aid” has kind of passed into the language as somebody who signed on for something and now refuses to face reality which is this book all over.
Would you have me portray it accurately? We’d be here all day.
I get a little attached to my jokes. Especially the tasteless ones.
That’s true. That argument did go on for awhile.
And “a little attached” to your jokes? I had a husband I wasn’t as committed to as you were to that line.
Trust me. Both had to go.
Well I love the other members of the group already - that Buffy would stake? LOL.
Definitely want to know more about them!
As soon as it is available, I would totally preorder this book. Jenny Crusie AND an Irish setter? That’s like dream come true.
I will say, as an owner of many, MANY setters, I have never had one able to fit comfortably in the front seat, even the bitches. Might want to move Miranda to the backseat. I have frequent car-conversations eye-to-eye with my Gordon setter, Angus, via judicious adjustment of the rear view mirror, if that helps.
Well, I tried referring to the punch as Electric Kool-Aid a la Ken Kesey when we were calling it punch, to differentiate it from Jonestown Kool-Aid, but that kind of disappeared. I’d much rather think stoned out Merry Pranksters than dead people when it comes to Kool-Aid, but it’s hard not to remember.
Ooooh, I like Abby calling it Electric Kool-aid. Then we can just call it plain old Kool-aid in the other scenes. Good idea.
This sounds like a really really fun book- and I love the idea of talking dogs and obedience class. Do you KNOW how many freaks go to obedience classes?? I’ve gone to ob.classes for 4 of my 5 dogs and there’s all kinds of people there…like the 2 child psychiatrists who can’t control a labrador retreiver..wtf?..anyhoo- I live with 5 dogs and am looking forward to reading how this story develops!!!
At Kool Aid, I’m thinking anyone who drank isn’t all that bright, and that’s a big turn off to me. What about Lime-Ade? Or something off-the-wall like Kiwi-Ade. You still get the funny K in there. (Ks are always funny to me.) Or Kiwi-Mango-Ade. Okay, I’ll stop now.
Sally
After the meeting Abby, Electric Kool-Aid was the jump I made when the bubbling beverage was mentioned. Of course that could be because I missed the Jonestown thing by a few years. Anyhow, the book sounds like a ride. Kudos for thinking outside that box!
For the record, I read the Kool-Aid line and giggled, because I immediatly thought of Jonestown, and while that might make me a horrible person, it was still funny. Perhaps I also have no taste or sensitivity.
And Lani, reading what the original line was in the comments totally made me spew all over my monitor. I’m off to find a paper towel now.
Somewhat freaked out by Kool-Aid. Could Kami be over-formal and say something like “artificially flavored sweet beverage”?
Okay - from a non US persepctive, Kool Aid didn;t do anythig nfor me. Dont have t here so I
Okay - from a non US persepctive, Kool Aid didn’t do anything for me. Dont have it here so I kept on reading without a squicky thought in mind. Just figured it was some kind of softdrink.
If you wanna change it what about some kind of nectar maybe - didn’t the gods/essess drink nectar? Or is that nectar of the gods - maybe I’m mixing my meataphors…or whatever the hell grammatical thing I’ve just done….
Personally I say keep the Kool Aid.
Jonestown?
What was the nectar of the gods?
Was it wine? Now that I can relate to.
Damn, it took my comment away before I’d finished.
Was it wine? Now that I can relate to.
Elizabeth - you and I should hang out in the back lest we infect the rest of the crowd. I’m glad to have found someone with my lack of taste and sensitivity. Hello, sister!
As for the Kool-Aid thing, well, obviously, it doesn’t bother me. But it does seem to throw the majority of you out of the book for a bit, and that’s an issue. I’m sure there will be much debating during our next Sunday chat. For some reason, I keep hitting on Crystal Light. I think it’s funny - it’s got that hard “k” sound which is always funnier than other sounds, I have no idea why - and it’s more obscure than Kool-Aid. Plus, five calories. That’s a huge selling point with modern priestesses.
See, i still like the Kool-aid. BECAUSE of the “She drank the Kool-aid and joined the cult” thing. In my own way, I’m as perverse as Lani, I’m just SUBTLE about it.
Hey, you know I don’t have a problem with the Kool-Aid. Obviously. Since I still kinda think the Jonestown comment is funny. Not all the dead people, that’s horribly tragic, but there’s something about how crazy people kinda resort to the Kool-Aid cliche that’s funny to me. And Elizabeth. So there. Nyah.
(As you all can see, I am the voice of reason and maturity in this crew. Tough job, but someone has to do it.)
Now see, I’m a totally sick puppy. Because if the Kool-Aid is a set-up for the Jonestown joke, then OK. If I drank at the computer, my monitor would be trash now.
OK, if Kool-Aid is a set up for equally funny stuff, then I’m OK. I’d forgotten about the Electric Kool-Aid.
Kool-Aid and Kults — fun, fun, fun!
One big thing, though. Jonestown is about the perversion of innocence. But a good dose of squick can mean a big laugh down the road.
I wish there were an international drink that could pack the same wallop — but Coke would probably sue you, and to be frank, I don’t think they’ve got the right stuff. Tequila might be a contender, but . . . . For dog obedience school?
Oh well, I trust y’all to do the right thing. Jenny’s probably right that outright Jonestown is too squicky.
don’t suppose Snapple is funny enough?
I’m with Lani and Micki, and thought Kool-Aid, creepy, and yes, wrongly amusing, Jonestown reference. Because it is morbidly odd that Kool-Aid, happy Kool-Aid, beverage of choice for any child in the 70’s-80’s, big ole’ mustache makin’ Kool-Aid was the vehicle of such tragic violence. And “drink the Kool-Aid” with a little Jonestown eerie, really sets a scene.
Oh, I immediately thought Jonestown when I read about the Kool-Aid-and it was funny. Yes, Jonestown was incredibly tragic and awful. But, at the same time, “Don’t drink the Kool-Aid” has become part of the cultural lexicon. Between the bookcase pushed back from the wall in the storeroom and the offer of Kool-Aid, I immediately knew I was in for a good time. Because “Don’t drink the Kool-Aid” is funny. Drinking the Kool-Aid anyway is even funnier. I particularly like the way it bubbles and fizzes. This is the Fun Book. Give me some damn Kool-Aid. Please.
I have to come down on the kool-aid is funny end of the argument. I’m not dismissing the Jonestown concern. But I have to say that my first thought was Alice in Wonderland, “Drink Me”. It was a little creepy, but in a non-lethal way.
I’m with the folks who were expecting a Jonestown reference. If you stick with Kool-aid, I’d make a reference, or I’m going to (a) keep looking for/expecting one or (b) thinking *how dumb can you be?* to accept Kool-aid from a stranger who knows your name and your dog’s name and appears at first glance to be leading a cult and REALLY wants to you to have the Kool-aid. With the jonestown joke in there, or some subtler reference, we get the acknowledgement out of the way. Without acknowledging the jonestown reference, it’s distracting. Of course this is my opinion so I think it’s the best one…
Just the offer of the Kool-Aid in those circumstances references Jonestown…I don’t think that it needs to be specifically acknowledged beyond that. If you get the joke, lucky you. If you don’t, then it would take too long to explain, and then it wouldn’t be funny anymore.
I can’t believe I’m arguing about Kool-Aid.
Since you seem to be going with branded drinks, Hawaiian Punch has a fairly silly ring to it. Yes, I remember Jonestown, although I didn’t associate it with this scene.
I stumbled onto this blog late so this debate is probably over, but I read Kool-Aid, thought Jonestown and went, “ooooh….creepy.” It was the only part that made me nervous about Abby following Kami into the meeting. I liked it. If you’re going for suspense and creepiness it totally works. If you’re going for light and funny … well Tang is pretty funny. It’s got the astronaut and jr. high dance connotations.
The debate will not be over until the book is done, Sari. In fact ten years from now, Lani and I will be sitting in a bar someplace , and she’ll be saying, “I still think the Jonestown joke was funny,” and I’ll be going, “We got killed for the KOOL-AID and you think JONESTOWN would have worked?”
Krissie revised this and I think it’s a terrific opening,even better than before. And I’m commenting so people will know this here. Thank you.
I liked the Irish Setter, but I feel like I have a much better conception of Beastie — and I like the big Newfie, too. (-:
It’s interesting to see the reactions to the class — so far, Abby is agin it, Beastie is definitely for it, and Wolfie (though we don’t really see it until later) is very much agin it too. It’s not a dogs-feel-one-way, people-feel-another situation. I like that (-:. No species-profiling.
Oooh. Love the rewrite - the connections (to Shar & Kammi’s scenes) are getting cleaner. And I like how we’ve now got a reason for Beastie, the perfect dog, to need an obedience class. (Although we attend just to further the human-canine bond, of course.)
Whoa. The comments were copied up. Freaky. But I stand by the Jonestown reference needing to be there even if subtle. I think this version does a better job as we see Abby thinking “I don’t think so, crazy lady with the Kool-aid.”
Oh, and on the dog size. We had a samoyed. 110#, about the same size as a newfie. She got her own bench seat in the van. Might fit on the front seat of an old station wagon if she sat up the whole time, but not if she laid down. And I wish Tasha could have talked after she ate and then yakked up a whole, large bag of Halls menthol candies that we left with her in the car once. Maybe told us what she was thinking to like those cough drops so much. Dogs are great.
I had a problem with Beastie sitting in the front seat. Originally I put something about Beastie always insisting he ride in the front seat and Jenny shrieked “infodump!” so I wiped it out and I figured later on I’ll mention that he insists on the front seat and that’s part of the reason she has a huge old station wagon instead of an ancient VW bug.
But I’m worried the idea of a Newfie in the front seat is a stopper for people.
If the choice is between a little infodump and something that stops a reader, which do you choose?
I don’t know if you meant to draw a parallel there, but, if not, you might want to change the second “ancient.”
Id anyone else getting all revved up to read this, then remembering that it doesn’t even have a publisher??? I’m enjoying it all so much, but when will it be in our hands? I want. I want.
On the Kool Aid, I just thought, isn’t that cute, the goddess and ESL. Of course, I’m aware of the Jonestown thing - grew up in SF where Jim Jones got his start, but that wasn’t my first thought.
OTH, as Cranky Otter says, that idea is going to be in many readers heads, Jonestown, that is, so on a couple levels, I can say go with Lani’s idea:
>blockquote>in my first draft of Daisy’s scene, I had her say to Shar, “The Kool-Aid’s good. Tastes like mojitos,†and then I had Shar say, “Smells like Jonestown,â€
Because, for me, having them make the joke gives them complicity and shows that they aren’t just TSTL and drinking the Kool Aid. Sort of a fatalistic, “We who are about to die salute you” before they chug that stuff.
Hawaiian Punch! Go, Gator!
Shar’s not saying that.
Sigh.
But Daisy might.
Oh, except I just remembered, we cut that conversation. There’s no place for her to say it. YES!
No infodump ever. We’ll figure out another way to get that it. Like Beastie looking at her when she stops the car, and her saying, “Hey, you’re the one who insists on riding in the front seat.”
I just clicked on that link. Cheetos Lip Balm. If we ever do contests on this blog, we’re giving away Cheetos Lip Balm. Thank you, Courtney, that is truly disgusting. Must buy some immediately.
. . . .
Okay, I’m bitter. They don’t make Cheetos lip gloss any more. It isn’t even on eBay so you know it no longer exists.
This is the Hello Kitty USB port all over again.
Krissie, I love Beastie and also think the new reason for dog school is great. The over-protective Nana image is wonderful. I also love that Kammi understands and accepts that it is in Beastie nature to protect. Great revisions.
I was kinda thrown by the Newfie in the front seat, too, because it would be so difficult to see past him to the right to see oncoming traffic. Unless he’s already telling her when it’s safe (grin), maybe there needs to be some sort of explanation… like she cannot push, shove, bribe or leverage his butt into the car in the back seat, but open the front door and he hops right on in. (Um, can you tell I have a dog who’s determined like that?)
Ooh. Very nice. I love Beastie and that is problem is that he’s too much of a good dog(i.e. protecting children). I got a much better feel for Abby and for the dog (Beastie has more personality than Miranda does) in this version of the scene.
What Alice said. Beastie came across clearer than Miranda. And I loved Wolfie’s resigned acceptance of things falling on him. (I loved Bailey too, but I think if we lived together he’d drive me crazy in about 4.7 minutes.)
Since I don’t drive with dogs often, I had no problem with dogs in the front seat. But now that I think about it . . . don’t they have dog-belts or something for dogs who ride in cars often? I wonder how many people actually use them.
If the seat is pushed alllll the way back, can one see around a Newfie? Would a person really drive like a maniac when her dog could go through the windshield?
(-: Don’t overthink this — I didn’t think of any of this the first two read-throughs.
Okay - just a quick visual for you - somewhere in my former neighborhood lived a man with a very small car with a sun roof, and a Great Dane. So periodically you’d see them tooling around with the Great Dane sitting in the passenger seat with his head sticking out of the top of the car - it was always good for an hour of smiles.
Ooops on the double ancient. I’d cut one of them in one draft but it must have slipped by. No, I didn’t mean to do a parallel with ancient car and ancient history building. Lazy writing that I caught but then somehow lost again.
Yeah, newfies are freaking huge and Beastie is a huge one, so sitting in the front of a huge station wagon is still a challenge (they they’re not as tall as a Great Dane). Jenny’s idea about the conversation is a good one, particularly since Abby’s been driving like a bat out of hell and almost knocks Beastie to the ground.
“Don’t give me that look — you know it’s safer for you in the back seat, but you insist on calling ’shotgun’.”
Or something like that.
Yeah, responsible pet owners usually put their dogs in the back seat and sometimes with a harness. In the back of a pickup is a no-no (though we’ve been known to do it).
I’m kind of confused by the rescuing children flaw. How often does this happen and what does he do that makes it a problem? If Abby is as warm and earthy as she seems it’s hard to picture her getting upset about saving children.
Not os much her, as the mothers of the children who see a black bear nudging their offspring. The kids giggle, but moms . . .
Jenny-perhaps if we bombard the makers of Cheetos lip balm entreating them to start making it again, they will reconsider. I mean, really, how often do you suppose they are on the receiving end of such a campaign? The shock value alone might spur them to action. Here’s the link:
http://www.lottaluv.com