4. Kami: For This I Slept 4000 Years
Kammani stood at the back of the temple flanked by Bikki and Ummi, watching the last of the Three leave while the teenagers—Bun-and-Gen—began packing up to go. It was a very good thing she was the Goddess of Life because otherwise she would have blasted them all. These women might be the descendants of her priestesses, but they had no sensitivity whatsoever, one of them had not come when summoned, and the ones who had come could not recognize power when they swallowed it. They would have been overwhelmed if it had been full strength; this modern world had made weaklings of all of them.
“Ohmigod, I think we lost the Cheetos,†Bun said, looking around the floor.
“Ohmigod, I think we ate the Cheetos,†Gen said and they collapsed into laughter again.
It had taken her a month to find them all, brew their drinks, hire Jamie, learn their world so she could talk to them, and now that she had them, ready to call them to her side, they were–
“Silly, silly. silly,†Bikki said.
“Dumb as sand,†Kami said to her.
Someone moved in the darkness behind the altar.
“Mina,†Ummi growled.
“Kammani,†the dark-haired girl whispered, and came to stand before her, bowing over the little black Chihuahua in her arms. “I know who you are. I know who I am. My family has never forgotten. I bow before thee, O Goddess. I am your servant, I will do your will.â€
And now it begins, Kammani thought and smiled.
CHAPTER TWO
The girl’s ugly little dog was thinking in black scratch marks that sounded like a beetle scrabbling up a cement wall—”Scritch scritch scritch“—and he looked as though he were smiling, his eyelids half closed. Kammani loved all dogs, but this one was going to be difficult. She looked at the girl, pale as milk, her dark protuberant eyes burning. She might be difficult, too.
“You say you know who you are,†Kammani said. “Tell me.â€
“My name is Death,†the girl said with a great deal of satisfaction, almost hissing the word through her smug little smile.
Kammani sighed. “Not really. You are the human manifestation of the abstract principle.â€
The girl blinked.
“Mina,†Ummi said again.
“And your name is Mina,†Kammani said. “What is your dog’s name?â€
“Mort,†Ummi said.
“Mort.†Kammani looked at the little Chihuahua, who scritched again.
“But my secret name is Death,†Mina said, her voice a hoarse whisper.
“Your ancient name is Munawirtum,†Kammani said. “You have no secret name. You are the seventh of my priestesses–â€
“And the most powerful,†Mina said, tasting the words.
Not necessarily, Kammani thought, thinking of the Three.
“And I will stand by your left hand, and I will smite your enemies,†Mina went on.
“Mina,†Kammani said. “Do you remember whom you serve?â€
“You, my goddess.â€
“Then why are you telling me what you are going to do?â€
Mina blinked and began to bow again, saying, “I beg mercy–â€
Bun and Gen stood up to go, dropping papers and empty cups, whispering and giggling as they looked back at Mina.
Mina’s eyes narrowed. “Shall I smite them?â€
“No, Mina,†Kammani said. I get an easy one, and she’s insane. “You cannot smite anyone. The Goddess has spoken.â€
Gen came closer. “Is this like some kind of secret society?â€
“Ohmigod.†Bun followed her over, her fat little poodle in the pearl choker and tiara waddling patiently behind her. “Like a sorority? Like a dog sorority? Can we join, too?â€
“Perhaps next week,†Kammani said, not willing to deal with Mina and Bun-and-Gen in the same hour. She’d planned to call them all at the third meeting, but if they were going to fling themselves at her feet like this, there was no point in—
“Are there T-shirts?†Bun said. “Because T-shirts would be so cool.â€
“Yeah, they could say ‘Kami Mani Dogma’,†Gen said and they both dissolved into laughter.
Maybe five priestesses will be enough.
Mina stared at both of them from the shadows, and then she reached out her hand toward the old poodle and closed it into a fist.
The dog collapsed.
Bun screamed, “Baby!†and Kammani stepped forward and bent over the old poodle and whispered in her ear, feeling the little heart lurch to life again under her hand.
Baby rolled over and shook herself, and then looked up at Kammani, indignant.
“What the hell was that for?†she whined. “Like I don’t have enough trouble with this damn tiara.â€
“I know,†Kammani whispered to her. “Rest tonight. You will be well by morning.â€
“I thought she was dead,†Bun said, scooping Baby up in her arms.
“Just resting,†Kammani said. “Take the tiara off, it is stressful for her, and give her much quiet tonight.â€
Bun snatched the tiara from Baby’s head, and Baby looked up at Kammani gratefully.
“Much better,†Kammani said, warming toward Bun who was cradling Baby and cooing to her now, tears in her eyes. Bun loved her dog. That redeemed many “ohmigods†and shrieking giggles. “She will be fine. Please, do not forget your Kool-aid.â€
“Ohmigod, yes,†Bun said, turning her shoulder so Kammani could see the clay bottle sticking out of her backpack. “Purple nurples in a bottle. You are so so cool.â€
Just drink it. Kammani smiled at her and turned back to Mina.
Mina lifted her chin, defiant.
You stupid little girl, Kammani thought as Bun carried Baby out, still cooing, followed by Gen, dropping papers as she gently tugged her little foxhound behind her and cooed to Baby, too.
“So,†Kammani said to Mina.
“I will return tomorrow,†Mina said, her voice quavering at the end.
“You disobeyed me,†Kammani said.
“I am Death,†Mina said, but her voice was unsure now.
Possibly because she had realized she couldn’t move.
Kammani walked around her, and the girl’s eyes darted, trying to follow her.
“I am the Goddess of All,†Kammani whispered. “All things come from me.â€
“All things end with me,†Mina whispered back.
“You think this is true?†She stopped in front of the girl who was now completely immobilized, only her eyes alive. “Then end me, Munawirtum. If you are Death, end me now.â€
She met Mina’s eyes, saw the girl try, saw the death behind the irises, but it was only a cold wind, sufficient to collapse an ancient dog, freeze a houseplant. “Even at the height of your power you could not harm me, Munawirtum. You are only the manifestation of an abstract. And you serve me. If you do not, I WILL END YOU.†She met Mina’s eyes and then drew a long slow breath, drawing the air from Mina’s lungs, watching Mina’s eyes widen in panic as she began to suffocate.
Kammani turned to see Jamie stacking chairs. This was probably something he shouldn’t see. “Jamie,†she called out, moving to block his view of Mina. “You can go on now.â€
Jamie smiled at her. “You’re the goddess,†he said and waved as he headed for the door.
Kammani looked back at the bas relief as Mina’s eyes protruded in terror. Those were the good old days, when she’d had her priestesses around her and none of them had been fruitcakes.
Fruitcakes? She shook her head. There were words in the air in this world.
And her temple was a mess. Cups sitting on the stone floor, papers everywhere, especially around Bun and Gen’s chair. She crossed and picked them up. InStyle, she read, savoring the new word. People. Star. World Weekly News.
Kammani felt Mina’s grasp on life loosen and turned and exhaled into her, releasing her body at the same time, and Mina fell to her hands and knees, sucking in lungs full of air, her body arching and heaving as her fingernails scratched at the stone floor.
Ummi and Bikki padded over to see what she was doing, Bikki saying, “Silly-silly-silly,†while Ummi growled “Dumb,†and Mort skittered back away from them all, his mind full of frantic little black scritch marks.
Munawirtum had always been interesting, but she’d been obedient; this descendant had to learn.
They all had to learn. Kami looked back at the Three in the bas relief, standing strong beside her. They’d been her most powerful priestesses, and when she had them, she’d have the key. The Three and Sumu-la-el. She would raise him tonight in the sacred room at the top of her temple and call the seven to her.
Mina gagged behind her, still trying to get enough oxygen to her brain.
Because, Kammani thought, doing everything for herself was a nightmare.
She threw the papers on the altar and turned to see Mina prostrate on the ground, weeping.
“GET UP.â€
Mina climbed to her feet, her shoulder still heaving.
“WHO ARE YOU?â€
Mina drew a long shuddering breath and wiped the back of her hand across her eyes. “I am . . . Mina Wortham.â€
Kammani nodded. “AND YOU ARE MY PRIESTESS MUNAWIRTUM. YOU SERVE ME AND NO OTHERS. SHOULD YOU DISOBEY ME AGAIN, I WILL SHOW YOU NO MERCY.â€
Mina nodded, her chest heaving.
“IF YOU OBEY AND SERVE ME, I WILL INCREASE YOUR POWER.â€
The gleam came back in Mina’s eyes, dark and greedy.
“I AM THE DARK AND THE LIGHT. I HAVE BEEN CALLED INTO THIS WORLD TO SAVE IT FROM FEAR AND MEANINGLESSNESS AND DESPAIR.â€
She walked over to Mina, and Ummi and Bikki came with her, pressing close, and she made her voice gentle this time.
“We do not harm people, Mina. We do not come to conquer kingdoms, to abuse power, to kill. My sisters were Death and War, but I am Life. Our responsibility is to save. This world needs us.â€
Mina looked up, confusion in her eyes, and Kammani tried again.
“I AM THE GODDESS OF LOVE AND HEALING, I AM THE GODDESS OF THE GREAT CIRCLE, I WILL BRING THIS WORLD LIGHT AND SANITY AND PEACE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?â€
Mina nodded.
She’d nod if I said, “I will bring this world a Dunkin Donut and a Slurpee,†Kammani thought and then wondered what the hell a Dunkin Donut and a Slurpee were. She was going to have to find a way to filter out the words in the air until she was sure they were right. That was how she’d ended up with “Kool-aid†instead of elixir of power.
“Go home, Mina,†she said, tired now. “And teach your dog to think in words or images. I cannot read scritches.â€
Mina scooped up Mort and tottered for the door, looking back at the last minute. “I will not fail you, O Goddess,†she said, “for I am your handmaiden, Death.â€
Then she was gone, and Kammani looked at Ummi. “My handmaiden Death is a slow learner.â€
“Biscuit, biscuit. biscuit,†Bikki said from across the room, wriggling under Bun’s chair for something that crackled when she pawed at it, some kind of bag.
“Dumb,†Ummi said, looking at Bun-and-Gen’s empty chairs.
“The others will be better,†Kammani told her, and turned to get the biscuits.
“Biscuit,†Bikki said, from under Bun’s chair and crunched something.
“Wolfie,†Ummi said, still staring at the chairs.
Kammani turned back sharply, but Ummi looked up at her, innocent under her white crest.
“Biscuit,†Ummi said.
Kammani waited but when Ummi stayed silent, she picked up the biscuit box and gave Ummi one while she thought about the rest of her evening. She had to check the cask of still-fermenting elixir, evoke the spirit and the body of her four-thousand-year-dead consort, and learn more about this new world that made women weak and dogs mute.
One damn thing after another, she thought and picked up the papers from the altar.
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I am laughing so much as I read this scene. I needed a good laugh, a fun feelgood book. Spot on. Especially these bits:
“Biscuit,†Bikki said, from under Bun’s chair and crunched something.
“Wolfie,†Ummi said, still staring at the chairs.
Kammani turned back sharply, but Ummi looked up at her, innocent under her white crest.
“Biscuit,†Ummi said.
LOL
Goddess, this is wonderful. And Crusie, you’re a little scary. I love it.
Can the three of you cast a spell on this blog to keep the publishing world away until you’re done having fun? There is something very wrong with a system that stifles this kind of creativity and imagination and power. And fun.
Words in the air, indeed.
Actually, nobody is stifling us. Nobody knows we exist. There are about fifty people reading this blog right now. We’re stifle-free.
I am so loving this. Poor Kammani.
So if the dying-and-rising god is Kammani’s, where does that leave poor Shar who thinks he’s so cute?
Scritch.
I am getting sooooo confused. Can we have a Cast of Characters? Like name and aliases, what they look like, associated dog(s), dog breed? I’m only sure (hah!) of Jamie and Whathisname, Stone Bas Relief ManWhoMows with the 2 dashes in his name.
Abby and Beastie (was Miranda)
Daisy and Bailey
Shar and Wolfie
Kammani and Ummi & Bikki
Mina and Mort
Bun and Gen and their dogs Baby and Ziggy (you haven’t really met Ziggy yet, he’s Gen’s foxhound). Bun and Gen were the Gigglemint Twins, which is how Daisy thinks of them but obviously Kami wouldn’t share that. Lani and I talked about that, how calling them the Gigglemints which is funny lost a chance to call them Bun and Gen and set them in readers’ minds. Lani won–have we discussed her passion for jokes?–but when she gets over this hideous bout of bronchitus she’s dealing with right now, we’ll be talking again.
Mina is the one who glares at Daisy and whom Daisy and Shar talk about toward the end of Shar’s scene, the one who does all her research papers on disasters.
And then there’s Jamie.
It is a lot of people (one of the reasons Tallie doesn’t come to the first class) but I’m hoping that most readers won’t be reading each scene 48 hours apart and so will remember the Goth looking girl who glares at Daisy in her scene and then Shar calls Mortuary Mina in hers. Maybe not.
I’m hoping that most readers won’t be reading each scene 48 hours apart and so will remember the Goth looking girl who glares at Daisy in her scene and then Shar calls Mortuary Mina in hers. Maybe not.
Oh, I remembered Mina alright. But then, I wrote my thesis on death too.
It’s delightful! Thanks–I really needed the laughs.
(-: Good news — me with a seive for a brain remembered Mina just fine — and I connected the Gigglemint twins with no problems. All that “ohmigod”-ding at the beginning was all it needed. (-: I really think I like Gen and Bun — heads of air, hearts of gold.
I have a nit. I don’t think Mina *technically* disobeyed the goddess; she angered the goddess. There was no order: “don’t kill your fellow-preistesses’ dogs.” Just like Jean Kerr forgot to tell her boys, “Please don’t eat the daisies.” I don’t think Mina even realizes at this point who her colleagues are. Does she go around killing people’s dogs every time she’s irked? What a piece of work! Excellent villian.
Do y’all mind if we dispense home remedies here? I’ve struggled with bad coughs on and off for several years, and I’ve got two tips. One: nasal cleaning, which is gross but the best thing I’ve found. I won’t get into it, but it’s easily googable. Two: Surgical mask at night. Sure, you look like Michael Jackson in your sleep, but it creates a little mini-greenhouse of humidity, and really, really works. And it’s cheap. And you can draw little cartoon characters on it to cheer yourself up. Or write slogans, if that’s how your particular boat floats. “Die, cowardly germs!” Every little bit helps, I feel. Get well soon, Lani.
Lani’s eating fish and chips in the Detroit airport and sends her best.
So you weren’t confused by Bun and Gen and Mina? GP, where did we lose you?
Bun and Gen, by the way, are two real teenagers who took pictures of themselves together in a photo booth and posted them on the internet. Lani and I found them when we were surfing the net in NYC, about the same time we found the Ugliest Dogs (we were looking for a Mort) and we both cracked up. We can never show you their pictures because as I said, they’re real, and we don’t make fun of real people to their faces (just behind their backs in fiction), but Lani and I loved them so much we both said, “Bun and Gen” when we saw them. And we drew their characters directly from those pictures. We’re not really making fun of them because we all three love Bun and Gen, they’re just not . . . deep.
No, we really can’t show them to you.
And now I’m picturing the Mysterious Laura as Mina . . .
And now I’m picturing the Mysterious Laura as Min
I had a pet rat, not a dog. Seemed appropriate as I was studying death in the Middle Ages. The rat’s name was Ziggurat, though.
I’m studying romance now, though, so I’ve gone over to the side of love and, of course, world peace.
Since my mode of reading is to sit down, start at page 1 and go to the end, this sitting at a screen and occasionally discovering either a new chapter or a behind-the-scenes talkfest, I’m having trouble adapting. For 25+ years it’s been if it’s off the screen it’s gone from my mind.
At the same time, both in the 1st scene in DLD and in the car scene in Zelda’s story, there are characters coming at me faster than I can pigeonhole them. So I flip pages back and forth until I know who’s who. Tricky here on the screen. Don’t mind me, I’ll adapt. But thanks for the Cast. That helps.
Hmmm, where’s Molly’s handy dandy thingie at the bottom that shows what we’re typing? Like she doesn’t have anything else to do.
I love it, she handled the “loose cannon” with a cool hand. i should have tried that on my kid when she was a teenager.
like the concept that the kool-aide is a different color for each goddess, as each one is different themselves.
Shar, i think, will be the most curious about the temple itself, as she knows that building so well, and her 4greats grandfather brought it back for her 4great granmam, that would have been her playground as she soaked up information that was her family. she already has drunk the liquid and liked it, so i doubt she would be a problem.
but i’m wondering what she would find if she started to explore kamis. (and i knew kami would be the goddess, that is so cool)
Micki - thanks for the home remedy! I’ve had the nasal cleansing recommended before. It’s a little intimidating, but if push comes to shove, I might just get there.
As it is, I’ve dosed up on Airborne, which I thought was all marketing, but damned if it doesn’t work. At least for a few hours. Every time I take it, I feel better, and then crash again a few hours later. But it’s getting me through this DREADED layover (Yay! Only 2 more hours to go!) and I’m amusing myself with D&G. I’m so glad you guys are enjoying it.
And Jenny… I haven’t won until the book’s in print. I will fight for the Gigglemint Twins, though. That’s a funny joke! Tee hee…
Mort as the dog of death?
LOL
Absolutely priceless!
I don’t get the Gigglemint Twins reference. I’m assuming this is an American thing, like Dove bars and Krispy Kremes?
Oh, maybe, Laura. In the 80s, they used to advertise Doublemint Gum with the Doublemint Twins, who were usually very pretty and never seemed too troubled by intelligence. So insert Giggle for Double and… well, you get Gen and Bun. Only more endearing than the Doublemint Twins. And quite a bit stupider.
There used to be a truly terrible series of commercials for Doublemint gum that featured the Doublemint Twins. They were not rocket scientists but they sure liked their gum:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KhsZzduLJ8&mode=related&search=
How did we exist before YouTube?
Although this is a good point, Laura. A joke that only works in America . . . Lani, this is an insult to our foreign neighbors. And most of them don’t like us much anyway. I’m thinking, the joke has to go. For the good of the country.
You would not believe all the Doublemint Twins spoofs on YouTube.
Another 2 cents - Doublemint commercials may be more age-related than country-related. I didn’t get the Monty Python allusion. I do hate to see the Gigglemint Twins disappear. Also, a joke might be invisible, but that doesn’t make it offensive if everyone doesn’t get it.
Oooh, nice try, Crusie, but you forget. I’m wildly insensitive. I fought for Jonestown, you think I’m gonna give up Gigglemint because a few of our international sisters might not get the reference? Hell, no. I consider it our opportunity to spread the mockery of vapid twinsets to nations far and wide.
And that really needs to happen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANBuqQA7Zk4
And people think I’M the difficult one.
Only people who haven’t worked with me…
I think this is publishable. I’m not finding the talking dogs all that much of a stretch if they’re going to be this hilarious. I loved “Like I don’t have enough trouble with this damn tiara”. Not to mention the biscuit/wolfie exchange. I believe these are dogs, I beleve they talk and boy are they funny. I love Kami as the put upon goddess of life. Quite frankly this is all so amusing that you get away with the wackiness of this book.
Wait. We really haven’t gotten to the wacky yet.
I noticed that Baby seems a lot more verbal than Ummi and Bikki. She had actual sentences, while Bikki and Ummi mostly repeated individual words.
Is this because she is older, thus having more experience and knowledge of human language?
For me, the Gigglemint twins can stay. It’s pretty obvious that it’s a riff on an ad, even though I’m English. And gigglemint sounds American, sort of 50s/60s advert stuff.
Ummi and Bikki are ESL. And elegant.
Baby’s a yenta; if she hadn’t just died, she’d have been saying, “So what’s with the little weirdos with the topknots over there? At least I can take my tiara OFF.”
The other dogs all have very different voices, too. Wolfie is terse and bitter and Bailey is very oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy and sweet. Haven’t heard Beastie yet, but I’m dying to meet him.
I keep saying to myself “how do you like my darkness now?”. Then I remember that some people on this site might actually get that reference. (a Buffy quote) This is great! Kammi and Mina are so much scarier than you think they will be. It’s both jarring and exciting. I also love the Kool-aid explanation. It’s perfect. This is going to be so much fun. ( I guess by definition)
Yep - I agree. Didn’t get the gigglemint reference either but figured it was from a US ad. Same as Jonestown - figured it was some horrible massacre or something, same as Kool-Aid. I think trying to dumb this down for your international audience is a wrong move. For me these US pop culture references dont detract from the book but add to it and say so much about character (Lani’s if no-one elses)
I’d never heard of/had a Krispy Kreme while I was reading Bet Me but I figured they were damn good doughnuts. And now I’ve tasted them, I understand why Min adored them.
Run with them. I love them.
I’ve got it! At the end of the book, you provide a list of YouTube references for readers who want further study! That will take care of the international audience and promote world peace (-:.
(-: Bikki and Ummi are ESL. And elegant. Love that! Great combo. Mina’s dog really freaks me out with those black scritches. They run right up and down my back . . . .
Lani, I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a little better. Yeah, when I contemplated nasal cleaning, I had visions of my teenage years in the swimming pool — that horrible feeling after I’d done an underwater flip, and realized I hadn’t plugged my nose. The trick is don’t snort water — draw it gently up. It doesn’t have to get way up there to work — and YOU control it. I finally tried it after reading about it in a book called Beauty Feng Shui. (Y’all may roll your eyes now). (Micki uses her best Franz Mesmer voice:) Try it. Try it. (afterthought:) Just don’t try it with Kool-Aid.
(-: Or don’t try it at all. It’s OK. Just throwing it out there because it really worked for me, and coughing sucks. Especially after one has had a baby or two.
Been thinking. It seems to me that there will be a lot of names floating around this book — now names and past-life names and/or priestess names. The impression a character leaves would be more important than a name, wouldn’t it? If Gen and Bun were goofballs in a past life, and they are the type to be Gigglemint girls even when they are 80, then I’d say that’s a perfect impression to leave the reader. If each character had a nickname that captured her eternal essence . . . well that would be something. Good, bad or horribly contrived, I don’t know.
Oh, and Gigglemint protects you from possible trademark infraction problems in the future.
Hell — if the book catches on and you write a series, you could possibly be selling Gigglemint Gum at future conventions (-:. Along with Summer-ade and Cheez-pops. (In case you can’t strike a marketing deal with Kool-aid and Frito-Lay.)
See, this is one thing — with fantasy and SF fans, you can make some money on marketing. I don’t know how much, but I know the fans pay for stuff like T-shirts and Vulcan ears. And butterbug puppets. I don’t get that impression from romance fans. I seem to remember a Danielle Steele perfume, but I may have been hallucinating.
Great fun to read. I hardly can wait for more:D
from Jenny: “Actually, nobody is stifling us. Nobody knows we exist. There are about fifty people reading this blog right now. We’re stifle-free.”
Only 50 people are reading this? That’s disappointing. It’s so great, it’s quickly become one of my daily reads. I’ve got you on my netvibes and everything.
this is wicked cool!!
i can’t wait for the final product…