3c. Shar: Drink the Kool-aid
Shar Sippar had watched the blonde with the pencils in her hair smile at Jamie the trainer and thought, Forget it, honey, he doesn’t know anything about Mesopotamian myth or goddess worship or . . . That wasn’t fair, Jamie was darling, and the class had been fine–well, better than fine since they’d met Abby and Beastie–but now as it wound to a close, it still hadn’t dealt with her first problem, which was how to control a normally well-behaved long-haired dachshund who suffered from periodic bouts of paranoia that led to him lunging at passers-by. Wolfie shifted at her feet, tense as all hell, almost as if he were muttering at her, and she patted him and then looked around the room for Jamie’s top-heavy assistant, the one with the drinks tray, to see about solving her second problem. The last time Shar had seen her, she’d been by the altar, a beautiful thing carved in bas reliefs that would have been her first stop on a normal day but today . . .
Shar got up and moved silently toward the back of the altar, pulling Wolfie with her but leaving behind her untouched cup. The stuff inside it was blue and smoking, and whatever it was, it wasn’t Kool-aid. Battery acid maybe . . .
Shar stopped as she reached the shadows at the back of the room and saw that the wall behind the altar was also carved in a bas-relief, a huge bas-relief, spanning a good twenty feet, almost six feet tall, showing a line of nine figures with wings. She dug her notebook and pen from her bag as Wolfie whined at her feet. Shar felt like whining, too. First there was a goddess on the flyer she’d never heard of, then this entire room she hadn’t known about in the center of a building where she’d spent most of the waking hours of her forty-two years, and now this mother of a bas relief . . .
“You’re missing the class,†the assistant said, and Shar dropped her notebook on Wolfie’s head.
He took it philosophically, as if he’d always known the sky was going to fall.
“I was looking for you.†Shar said as she bent down and to pick up her notebook, giving Wolfie’s head a sympathetic rub. “Sorry, baby.†She straightened. “It’s Kami, right? I’m Shar. I was wondering if you could tell me . . .†She pulled the purple obedience course flyer out of her notebook and showed it to Kami. “ . . . about this Kammani-Gula mentioned on the flyer . . .â€
“You should have some Kool-aid.†Kami held out the tray to her again.
“No, thank you. Jamie said you named the class and made the flyer. Is Kammani-Gula a name you made up . . .â€
Kami frowned as the teenagers across the room made kissing noises at her two weird little dogs. “Bikki, Ummi,†she called and they came daintily across the floor to her.
“. . . because I’ve never heard of Kammani-Gula,†Shar said, and then stopped, distracted as the dogs came near and she got a good look at them. “My god, those look like Mesopotamian Temple Dogs. I thought they were extinct but . . .â€
“The Kool-aid is good,†Kami said, still holding the tray out. “It is an old family recipe.”
Right. And what family would that be? “I’m not a Kool-aid kind of woman.†Shar tore her eyes away from the dogs. So I’m familiar with Gula, the goddess of healing whose sacred animal was the dog . . .†She looked down at the Temple Dogs again, now staring at Wolfie who stared back, his long little black and gray body rigid with stress. “. . . but not with Kammani-Gula. Could you tell me where you found the reference to her? The citation? Anything on the source. . . â€
“Kammani-Gula is the goddess of life and love and healing.†Kami started to extend the tray again and then stopped. “Why do you wish to know about Kammani-Gula?â€
“I’m writing a book—my family’s been writing a book—on Mesopotamian goddess worship, but we don’t have any Kammani-Gula. So I was hoping you’d made her up . . . â€
“Your family has been writing this book, Sharrat Sippar. For a long time?â€
“Sharlotte,†Shar said. “Yes, since my great-great-great-grandfather met my great-great-great-grandmother on a dig in Turkey and brought her back with him.†She looked at the bas relief. “He brought this building back, too, so he must have known that this relief was here, she must have known, but there’s no record of it or of any Kammani so. . .â€
Kami grew very still. “He brought back this temple.â€
Shar nodded. “Packed it up brick by brick and brought it back because she asked him to. Very romantic man.†They didn’t make men like that any more. You couldn’t get a guy to move a sofa for you these days, let alone a temple. “So about this Kammani . . .â€
Kami was silent for a moment and then held out the tray again. “The Kool-aid is an old recipe. From my family. If you try my family’s drink, I will show you proof of Kammani-Gula for your family’s book. And then perhaps you can finish it.â€
“Finish it,” Shar said startled. “Well, I . . . we haven’t . . . I hadn’t thought . . .”
“You will find there is great satisfaction in finishing,” Kami said, and offered her the tray again. “I will tell you about Kammani Gula and you will finish your book.”
Wolfie whined, and Shar thought, Finish the book? but Kami was standing there, holding out the tray and if she was going to find out who Kammani Gula was . . .
She looked around the room at the others, drinking their Kool-aid and laughing or taking notes. They hadn’t grown two heads or started speaking in tongues. Everything here was normal, once you got past the hidden room and the carved altar . . .
Shar took the Kool-aid. It was still blue and smoking, but now that she was close to it, its warm scent wafted up from the cup, vanilla and licorice and amaretto–Grandma Shar’s hot toddy–rich and powerful and satisfying. . .
Yummy, yummy. yummy, a voice said in her head, and Shar sipped the Kool-aid and felt the taste flood her mouth and fill her senses, sharp and satisfying. Drink it, another voice said, and she sipped again, inhaling the scent, feeling the power of it go into her bones.
“It is good,†she said to Kami and then looked down to see the two Temple Dogs smiling up at her, and Wolfie quivering next to them, his tail lashing like a little lion’s.
Kami nodded and put the tray down on the stone altar. “Come. I will show you Kammani-Gula and then you will return to the others. Bring your Kool-aid.â€
Shar followed Kami deeper into the shadows behind the altar, casting a look back at the rest of the class, none of whom had noticed she was gone. Then she turned around and came face to face with a naked goddess carved into the center of the stone relief. “Oh,†she said, almost spilling her Kool-aid.
“Kammani-Gula and her priestesses,†Kami said.
Shar took a couple steps back to see better, Wolfie pressing close to her leg. This central figure was a large-eyed, full-breasted, winged woman with a wasp waist standing on two Temple Dogs, a whip in one hand and a knife in the other.
“She’s . . . lovely . . .†Shar said, diplomatically not mentioning that she was also armed to the teeth. She took another drink, not bothering to sip this time, and felt the warm power of it go everywhere. “This is good stuff. But I don’t see how you know she’s Kammani-Gula. I mean, the wings tell you she’s a goddess, but . . .â€
Kami pointed to the cuneiform carved into the wall next to the figure and Shar squinted in the shadow, running her fingers over the signs.
Kammani-Gula, Goddess of Love, Goddess of Life, Goddess of Healing.
“Oh, hell.†Shar knocked back more Kool-aid and then straightened to take in the full relief.
“You should return to seat and finish your Kool-aid now,” Kami said. “Have you met Abby and Daisy? They are sitting next to you.”
“No . . .” Shar squinted at the relief. There were two figures on each side of Kammani-Gula, and beyond them on each side, two more figures, much smaller. Shar tried to read the cuneiform beside the priestess to the left, hoping to find something that said, “She’s really not a goddess, she just plays one in this bas relief,†but it was too dark.
“You will like Abby and Daisy,” Kami said, and it didn’t sound like a suggestion.
“I’m not really a social person . . .” Shar moved to the other side of the goddess figure and almost dropped her cup.
The figure on Kammani-Gula’s right was male.
“Hello,†Shar said, taking in the hooded eyes, square jaw, and broad shoulders and feeling a little dizzy as she looked at him. Dizzier than she’d ever felt looking at a real man. That was probably sad, but it didn’t feel sad, it felt . . .
She drank a lot more Kool-aid.
“Sumu-la-el,†Kami said, sounding a little bored. “King of Kanesh. God of the Summer. Defender of the Upper Lands. Slayer of Demons.†She recited the titles as if she were saying, “Plumber of sinks. Mower of grass.â€
Shar tore her eyes away from the stone pin-up and saw the goddess’s knife again, conveniently located in the hand next to the king. “Oh, no, he’s a dying god-king. She sacrificed him at the end of the summer.†Bitch. Screwing up my book and offing a perfectly good king. She drank again and said, “I’m taking a stand here. I don’t like Kammani Gula.â€
“But she brought him back,†Kami said, her voice calm. “He returns to her at the winter solstice. Now, Abby and Daisy–â€
“Yeah, I’ve always wondered about that.” Shar sipped again, still staring at the god-king. “I mean, there must have been a conversation there. ‘You killed me by hacking off my body parts.’ She must have had some explaining to do . . .â€
“He knew,†Kami said. “He came to the sacrifice willingly. A reluctant sacrifice does the world no good.â€
Shar eyed her over the cup. “Good to know.†She turned back to the god-king and drank again, thinking, What kind of person volunteers to be hacked to death? Even masochists wanted to survive. She stared up into the hooded eyes, empty sockets now because the clay and stone imbedded for eyeballs were long gone. He didn’t look like a masochist. He looked like he kicked demon ass and took invader names. In cuneiform, of course, but still . . .
“Daisy and Abby are very nice,” Kami said. “You should go speak to them.”
Shar put the cup on the floor and then ran her fingertips over the carved symbols next to the king, finding some that Kami hadn’t translated. Defender of the goddess. Greatest king the world has ever known.
She looked up into the king’s face again, handsome even in flat relief. “He had a good PR man,†she said to Kami, and then let her fingers travel from the cuneiform to the edge of the god, tracing the line of his side as it tapered to a flat belly, slim hips.
Wolfie barked, and she jerked her fingers away and turned to say something to distract Kami from the fact that she’d been feeling up a stone god, but Kami’s eyes were across the room where the teenagers were now feeding one of the Temple Dogs something.
“Bikki!†Kami called sharply, but the dog didn’t hear. She nodded at Shar. “Come. You must meet Abby and Daisy.â€
Shar took one last look at the relief and bent to pick up her cup.
It was empty.
I finished it, Shar thought in surprise as she straightened, and remembered her grandmother saying, “Always leave something behind on your plate or in your glass, Sharlotte. A lady never finishes anything.â€
Whoops.
“Abby and Daisy,” Kami said to her.
“Abby and Daisy, right.” Shar took her empty cup, followed Kami back to the semi-circle of chairs, trying to concentrate on the problem at hand–more research which was going to delay her finishing the book which hadn’t mattered before, but now somehow it did–and sat down next to little blonde again with Kami nodding her approval. Wolfie collapsed at her feet, and the second Temple Dog followed to stand beside him.
A partner in class is good.†Kami gestured to the blonde and the terrier, both of whom looked wary. “This is Daisy. Two partners would be better.†She pointed to the woman in the peasant skirt next to Daisy, talking to her big black Newfoundland. “This is Abby. The three of you will talk.†It didn’t sound like a suggestion.
“Actually, I was just leaving . . . †Shar said, but Kami was already crossing the room, and the look in her eye did not bode well for Bikki or the teenagers.
The blonde smiled at her. “Well, Kami scares me a little so… Hi! I’m Daisy. And this is–†Her dog leaped a good three feet in the air and came down again. “Well. That’s Bailey.â€
“Hey, Bailey.†Shar looked at leaping terrier and smiled in spite of herself. “I’m Shar. And this is Wolfie.” The little Temple Dog next to Wolf tilted her head and smiled at her. “And Ummi, I think.†And I just drank a lot of Kool-aid that I think was spiked and got turned on by a stone wall carving–
“What do you think of Wednesday Addams over there?†Daisy said, nodding across the room to a dark-haired girl with a black Chihuahua who was staring at them. “She’s got the crazy eye and she keeps giving it to me.”
Shar squinted across the room and recognized a former student. “Oh, that’s Mina Wortham. Writes all her research papers on disasters and slaughters. If somebody died horribly in history, Mina’s your woman.â€
She’d probably come for the Dying God relief. Well, he was worth coming for.
That didn’t sound right.
Shar looked back at the bas relief, now in shadows again, and thought, I’m going to go home and finish the book. It was a radical, revolutionary, enthralling, intoxicating feeling, and she stood up, suddenly dying to get home. “We really have to go. I know the class isn’t finished but . . .â€
“Works for me,†Abby said, getting up and shaking out her beautiful skirt. “I have places to go, people to feed. Can we sneak out?â€
“You’re not leaving me behind,†Daisy said, rising, too, only to look past Shar and say, “Uh oh.â€
Shar turned and saw Kami bearing down on them.
“You will not go,†she said, stopping them all in their tracks. “Wait here.†She turned back to the altar, leaving them stunned.
“Whoa,” Shar said. “Our chief weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency . . . â€
Daisy nodded. “. . . and an almost fanatical devotion to Kool-aid . . .â€
Abby nodded, too. “. . . and the fact that nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.â€
They looked at each other and then looked away, trying not to laugh. I should just go, Shar thought, but none of them moved, and then Kami came back, three large ceramic bottles cradled in her more-than-ample bosom.
“You must take some Kool-aid home with you,†she said, and Shar reached out for the blue-glazed bottle without thinking and put it in her bag with her notebook while Abby and Daisy took their yellow and red-glazed bottles.
“And you should meet again,” Kami said. “Before the next class on Thursday. Here.” She handed Shar a piece of paper with names and phone numbers on it, giving two more to Abby and Daisy, but when Shar looked closer, she realized it had only Abby’s and Daisy’s names and numbers on it, the rest of the class wasn’t listed.
Odd, she thought, but then Abby said to Kami, “I would really appreciate it if you could just tell me what’s in this drink because I’m opening a bar and this stuff is fabulous,†and Shar grabbed at the distraction and tugged Wolfie’s leash to pull him away from the other dogs, waving to Daisy as she left while Kami tried to stonewall Abby.
She had a book to finish, and she definitely needed more Kool-aid, it was going to be all she could do not to swig from the bottle on the way home. She was definitely liking Kami more. And Abby and Daisy, she’d felt a real connection there at the end.
“You know, I think that class was good for us,†Shar said to Wolfie.
He growled as they passed through the faculty break room and out into the linoleum-covered normality of the history department’s hallway, and she could have sworn he’d said, “No, no, it was bad, no.”
But then, she’d had a lot of Kool-aid.
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Okay, who’s with me? The bas-relief god is hot, is he not? Isn’t it amazing that Jenny can create chemistry with STONE? They should give awards out for that.
Also, this is officially open call for Stone God jokes. We already got “hard as rock” and “the strong and sedimentary type” and I think a few more - I’m gonna need to go find that chat - but I’d love to see what you guys come up with. Enjoy!
I can’t even think thanks to that stone god. He was so hot, and Shar’s reaction to him, that my laptop melted.
My favorite lines: “Plumber of sinks. Mower of grass.†and “Well, he was worth coming for. That didn’t sound right.”
Stone God jokes? hmmm… He had rock-hard abs? Too easy. You could cut diamonds on his abs. No, how about this: That statue must have been made of igneous rock because he was hot!
OK I’ll shut up now.
Well, my mind is a little fuzzy from the Stone God. And the Kool-Aid. I love the Kool-Aid-and I haven’t even had any.
But, oh, yeah, “Plumber of sinks. Mower of grass.” Great line-I laughed out loud. Oh, and, “She’s really not a goddess, she just plays one in this bas relief.â€
Plus the Monty Python (”nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition”)-that is Monty Python, right? Still fuzzy from the Stone God. Might have a joke later.
You quoted Monty Python. If I didn’t already love you that would cinch it. That and the fact that the Stone God was hot.
Hmm, Stone God jokes? It might be too early to come up with jokes. How about: “It’s like somebody chiseled his jaw out of granite?” No? Hmm. Well, there’s always “Built like a rock” or “I bet he doesn’t have any moss.” No, wait, that doesn’t make any sense. Ah, well, I’ll think on it some more.
Translation of Sumu-la-el: Rocky Stonebody? Rex Rocks? Igneous Boulder, aka Iggy?
If you can use Monty Python, how about Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland? Drink me, instead of drink it?
OK - I had to lookup bas-relief at Wikipedia so I knew what the heck I was trying to “visualize”. (OK - I’m from Oklahoma . . . I’m not up to speed on my Mesopotamian or art history here. Sorry.)
He looked like he kicked demon ass and took invader names. In cuneiform, of course, but still . . .
I’m so very glad my tea was still steeping. Cause that would have been a real mess to clean.
This is a really fun story. Thanks for sharing.
Now see, what I would have asked is why the scene goes to hell at the end.
I like the first three beats here.
The scene is Shar vs. Kami, Drink the Kool-aid.
Shar’s goal is to find out about Kammani so she won’t have to deal with her in her book.
Kammani’s goal is for Shar to drink the Kool-aid.
<
So the fourth beat bleeds all over the place. I can justify it because Shar is doing what Kami was going for all along, drinking the Kool-Aid and becoming one of the Three. And Kami is in there pushing Shar to the other two, passing out Kool-aid, exerting power over them she didn’t have at the beginning.
But justifications don’t work when a scene loses steam at the end. And this one does. There was actually MORE stuff in here that I cut out because it was so wobbly at the end.
I’m thinking maybe it’s the turning points on the beats.
And then the scene climax is them not moving which I think I sold too short there, maybe more emphasis.
So it’s my fourth turning point and the climax and really all of that last beat. Which I need to fix.
Stone jokes. You can see what I’m dealing with here. Of course, I’m the one who wrote about Shar feeling up the bas relief so I’m not exactly on the high road, either.
And my block quotes just went wonky and Lani is on a plane to Green Bay. Making stone jokes and Kool-aid references.
Jenny, remember, this is supposed to be FUN. And it is.
I would love to see how this scene develops. (And wow! that stone king. HOT!)
But why doesn’t Wolfie think the class was a good thing? He doesn’t like change?
And Jenny, thanks for giving us your notes on the scene - it’s interesting to see the critique (and I, reluctantly, agree). But in all the fixing you want to do, don’t lose her befuddlement at falling in lust with a bas-relief. Please! That come/coming line is priceless.
Actually, craft for me is fun. Writing is fun. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it isn’t fun.
The book has to be fun but it has to be great, too.
I think the problem is in the very beginning and then at the end, that last beat. Cogitating here.
I know this scene isn’t cast in stone, but all the same, it rocks! And as for stone god jokes, when he’s looking for bas relief, how does he get his rocks off?
Laura, I’m APPALLED at you. There goes my perception of you as a serious academic. Who’s researching the Glittery Hoo Ha.
This story is making me so *gleeful*.
Laura: LMAO. you are good.
Jenny: i loved the scene and really like how you should us where you thought you went wrong.
Wolfie. i knew he was a sweetheart.
jokes…yeah, i got nothing.
Well, it is the fun book. If I was being serious I’d have to examine the gendered dichotomy of ‘hard’ and ’soft’, rock/phallus versus “Kool-aid’/liquid womanhood. This could possibly lead on to a reference to Cixous’ vision of female writing being liquid. But I’m never, ever going to be serious enough to be able to write like this:
Cixous perceives a bond, what I would call an analogy, between woman’s libidinal economy and writing, between literal female jouissance and textual and linguistic jouissance, where woman’s multiple erogenous zones and capacity for multiple orgasm translate into feminine texts which “strive in the direction of difference, struggle to undermine the dominant phallogocentric logic, split open the closure of the binary opposition and revel in the pleasures of open-ended textuality” (Moi, Politics 108). (Heaps, 1994)
Loved it, Jenny.
You’re right, though, the scene works really well until she leaves the relief. I enjoyed the beat with the instant connection with the three of them, but the transition over there seemed awkward.
And what’s up with poor Wolfie thinking the meeting was bad? Is he just a pessimistic little fellow? Scared of change of any sort? Snoopy minds want to know.
Dear God, Laura, I just had a flashback to my master’s degree. During which I did my damnedest to undermine the dominant phallogocentric logic, which was easier back then because it was the eighties. Phallogocentric logic all over the place. Now it’s pretty much localized publically in the Supreme Court and gone underground everywhere else. My heart breaks for Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
Where was I?
Oh, right, splitting open the binary to revel in the liquid open end of female narrative discourse.
Good call on bagging the crit, Laura. Although I like that justification for the Kool-aid. It’s a feminist statement, utilizing the liquidity of the essential female in writing, made ironic by the cult reference and the undercurrent of mass death and destruction that joining such a fringe group (female writers) can engender.
Kool-aid as an ironic, feminist icon in a phallogocentric world.
God, we rock.
Oh, and those questions you all have about Wolfie? That’s called “a hook.” To keep you reading on to the next scene and the next until you know why Wolfie’s worried at which point there will be another “hook.” Because otherwise you’ll put the book down to go to the bathroom and never come back. We know you people.
Oh! Yay! Laura just justified the Kool-Aid! Laura’s AWESOME! And her rock jokes make me love her even more when I didn’t even think that was possible. Big smooches to Laura!
So… can I have my Jonestown joke back? Tee hee…
Jenny LOVES working with me, you guys. You have NO idea how much.
I do love working with Lani.
But she’s never gonna get that Jonestown joke.
Uh, Jenny, hate to tell you, but you don’t need “hooks” with this crowd. Remember, these are the folks who read your SHOPPING LIST with bated breath. We don’t turn away from our computers when Jenny (or Lani, or Krissie, or Eileen, or Bob) is telling us a story. Just saying….
So tell us all about Wolfie’s ominous statement. Then we can help you shape the craft!
It seems like it’s too big of a conceptual jump to finishing the book. After all, she just found out about Kammani-Gula. It would be more logical for her to go research the goddess to see if she had overlooked anything. She might also examine her own house more closely to see if there is anything there that she didn’t know about, since she’s just found out that there was a room in the History building that she didn’t know about.
I wonder if Wolfie’s petrified that the building may become delapidated if the irresistible force of the immovable object makes the earth move for Shar.
I’d imagine that she’ll also be compelled to research Sumu-la-el.
Yeah, I have to sell that “finishing” bit. Because it’s her big change in the scene.
I tried to foreshadow it unconsciously (didn’t expect any reader to see it until they read the entire book for the second time and know what’s going on) by having her not finish a sentence until she drinks the Kool-aid. And then there’s that blatant line about her grandmother warning her to never finish anything.
But it doesn’t work so I have to lay that in more clearly.
As for Sumu-la-el, if I tell you he’s never in the book again, will you be disappointed?
While I enjoyed reading this scene, did I already miss the training part of the class? It struck me as odd that when Shar wanted to leave (not an odd idea as she was distracted by her book) that she was so upbeat about the class. All I can tell so far is that she went in, drank the funky Kool-aid, looked around and left. How does she know from good or bad doggie classes after that? I’m confused.
And I think I prefer the Irish Setter/redhead thing, but then again, it’s not my book and Newfies are playful and I know y’all will make it work.
Bother. I’d have come across as so much more erudite if I’d actually managed to spell ‘dilapidated’ right. At least I got ‘petrified’ right.
Good point, Otter. In one of the ten thousand original versions we had, the whole dog class was there, spelled out.
The beta readers heads fell off.
But we have to do better.
Laura, this is not a place where we do spell checks.
And the spell chicks are over at the Miss Fortunes blog.
“As for Sumu-la-el, if I tell you he’s never in the book again, will you be disappointed?”
Say it ain’t so.
“The Kool-aid is an old recipe. From my family. If you try my family’s drink, I will show you proof of Kammani-Gula for your family’s book.â€
She could add to that sentence “so that you may finish it” or some such thing. That way, you have Kammani-Gula to introduce the idea of finishing the book. That gives you more of a lead-in. Shar could be taken aback at first by the idea, but then have it be very compelling.
If Sumu-la-el is not in the book again, Chekhov will grab his gun off the fireplace mantel, and hunt you down.
Oh, what a man — a monument to masculinity! You gotta lava man who’s so solid like that. He rocks my world.
Seriously, though, the whole sacrificed god thing — *that* is going to be one tough theme to manage, but I have complete faith. It makes my brain hurt to think about writing it, so I’ll just have to ride along as a reader.
One interesting thing — we really feel the Kool-Aid here. Are the other characters not as affected by it? I think the effects of the Kool-Aid should intensify during the last beat. Do Kool-Aid drinkers know their own? Does drinking the Kool-Aid make people more friendlier to other KAds? (Kind of like drinking buddies is the analogy.) Do they glow and bubble to each other?
I think it’s interesting that the Kool-Aid seems to morph to whatever tastes the drinkers prefer. Pleasing, and seductive.
I’ve just finished the Thorne Smith, and so maybe drinks are obsessing me a little more than they usually would.
(-: More rock man jokes — I suppose he has flinty eyes and a jaw of granite. (-: Just don’t take his sacrifices for granite!
More! Need more!
Pretty please.
First of all - I’ve learned a lot from this blog already, and I want to thank you goddesses for creating it. Watching the book in progress has helped me to look at my own WIP in a new light. I have a hard time looking at a finished product and trying to figure out how the author got from point A to point Z. Here the process is much easier for me to grasp.
Secondly -
Jenny, you said that “Shar’s goal is to find out about Kammani so she won’t have to deal with her in her book.”
This may be semantics, but when reading the scene my impression was that Shar’s goal was to prove to herself that Kammani-Gula was a made-up goddess. This being her response to the intellectual/emotional threat that Kammani-Gula represents to her.
The existence of Kammani-Gula means that Shar didn’t “own” her knowledge of Mesopotamian myth as completely as she thought she did.
Then within the scene she discovers that she didn’t have the emotional ownership of the temple that she thought she did.
And rounding out the triple threat - Shar’s imagination is caught up by the bas-relief of Sumu-la-el, which helps her to create an emotional connection with him even though he’s only stone. And then she finds out Kammani killed him, which leads her to conclude that she really doesn’t like Kammani at all.
As I read I was expecting some kind of confrontation with Kami at the end - the payoff for the one-two-three punch within the first part of the scene. Kami is working as Kammani-Gula’s representative within the scene (even if she hasn’t revealed at this point that they’re one and the same), so naturally she’d be the one that Shar would react to.
‘Course, I’ll be the first to admit that I could be all kinds of wrong.
Okay, let me see how that parses out.
Shar has come to the class because “Kammani-Gula” was on the flyer. She knows about Gula, but she’s never heard of Kammani. She goes to Kami to find out what she knows, and Kami trades her knowledge for Kool-aid. That’s a little facile there. I need a line in there where Kami gives her a reason she’s so obssessed with Shar drinking.
Then Shar finds out there’s another goddess and she’s going to have to do more research. I didn’t see her as threatened so much as just “Oh, hell, more work.” I like the idea of emotional ownership of the research and the temple, I just didn’t see Shar as that assertive. Shar to me is somebody who’s gotten lost in her research and now she’s finding out things she didn’t know, and it’s more exasperation than it is being threatened. That’s probably me projecting my own academic experience on Shar. I never felt ownership of my research but I did get damn tired of tripping over new sources I had to deal with it.
I saw Shar as arriving at this class completely disconnected from people and completely buried in a book that was never going to end. Then pursuing her research leads her to drink the Kool-aid which starts to unravel her world because it leads to connection and to the concept of finishing things. The first person she connects to is a stone god because that’s non-threatening, not real. But then she connects to Daisy and Abby, and that’s the first human bond she’s had since her mother died, her significant other notwithstanding.
Then she finishes the Kool-aid, she finishes the class, and she goes home to finish the book.
And Kami’s pushing her to do all of that, Kami wins in this scene.
I think I saw Kami’s beat-goals as:
Drink the Kool-aid
Finish the Kool-aid
Take more Kool-aid home with you
combined with
Meet Daisy and Abby. Which may be why that move with Daisy and Abby sticks out so much. That should be blended in with that three-beat, too.
Hmmmmm.
So maybe Kami’s goals should be:
Go back to Daisy and Abby and drink the Kool-aid
Go back to Daisy and Abby and inish the Kool-aid
Go out with Daisy and Abby and take more Kool-aid home with you
Oh, and for those not familiar with the Spanish Inquisition:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zO68fUMWx3g
Jenny said - I need a line in there where Kami gives her a reason she’s so obssessed with Shar drinking.
How about channeling a bit of Kevin?
If you drink it they/she/your book will come?
You know, metaphorically speaking.
Or maybe not…
Shar to me is somebody who’s gotten lost in her research and now she’s finding out things she didn’t know, and it’s more exasperation than it is being threatened. That’s probably me projecting my own academic experience on Shar. I never felt ownership of my research but I did get damn tired of tripping over new sources I had to deal with it.
That makes sense to me. However much one researches, there’s always more one could do: usually it’s more primary and secondary sources one could read/explore. And most of the time you just have to stop when it seems good enough, despite the lurking fear that you’ve missed something really crucial. You can’t keep going until the book is absolutely comprehensive and perfect, because if you have that attitude you’d never ever finish. Only God is omniscient. Academics, however much they may give the impression that they think they are too, in their specialism, are aware that they aren’t. Maybe that’s Shar’s problem - deep down, because of her connection to the goddess, she has a sense that she should know more, and so the sense of the book’s incompleteness is more acute for her than for most academics?
I don’t really understand the “beat” thing yet, so I have no idea about that. But the end of this scene left me not really caring what Shar did next, even though she comes across as a funny, interesting character. It seemed the generations-old struggle to research and write the book was pretty easily solved here and she is going to go home, have some more Kool-aid and finish the book. And she made a couple new friends. OK. Great. Seems like there isn’t any unresolved conflict left for her. I suspect that isn’t true, but I didn’t get a sense of it in this scene.
Of course, I may have just missed it, what with being distracted by the Stone God and all.
Shar’s family has been working on that book for over a century and they’ve never finished. Shar’s problem goes far beyond the book in that regard, but I’m not sure how hard I can hit that. Hmmmm.
Geez. I guess just because I’m awake at that time of day doesn’t mean my brain is functioning. Jenny, I didn’t mean to say your character didn’t have conflict. What I meant was that Shar comes into the scene wanting something. She gets it. So I’m waiting to see what else she wants. But instead it appears that was the extent of it and she’s just going to go home. It felt (to me) like an ending instead of a start.
Does she want to learn more about Kammani-Gula now that she’s found out about her? Does she want to come back and look at the stone king-god again when no one is around? Is she wondering whether there might be more hidden rooms and is she going to look? Maybe I’m supposed to assume all that and I’m just slow, but she doesn’t think any of that. She glances back at the bas-relief and resolves to go finish her book.
I don’t know, maybe that’s enough. Since I trust you, I’d keep reading even if I wasn’t clear about motivation and whatnot.
And, really, the day you need me to tell you about motivation, or anything else about writing, will be a very sad and scary day. Sorry. It threw me off for a minute there when you seemed to be asking “us†what was wrong with the scene, when probably you were asking Lani and Krissie, or just talking to yourself. Thanks for humouring me. I’ll go sit quietly in the back again now.
Okay, the revision is up there. Does that solve some problems?
Yes, thank you.
Did you fix your beats too? Because if you did, I might be starting to understand those. I like the way it ends now. Or rather, the changes in the beginning and middle fixed the end.
Yep, that’s fixed! Thanks for mentioning the class took place.
I can’t believe how much more sense the re-written scene made! It was just tweaked, but not totally different. Yet I don’t think I have unintentionally unanswered questions this time. cool to see the transition! Although I think you took out a lot of stone king worship as he wasn’t as dominant in the scene as I remember.
Oh, and is it just me, or does Kami talk like Lane’s mom in the Gil.more Girls?
Yeah, I’m trying to get Kami’s voice still. The next scene is in her POV so it’s easier, but I think she’d still have trouble with contractions.
And I didn’t touch a word of the stone king stuff. But the scene is longer, which is bad, and that makes that passage stand out less. But this is early days and I can cut savagely once we have the whole book done. It’s getting the set up right without burying the reader in back story and infodump, keepign the conflict high and the scene moving while not confusing anybody. First scenes are a bitch.
Of course, of the four first POV scenes in the book, I only have to do two, so I’m ahead of the game. Collaboration is SO good.
Shar tore her eyes away from the stone pin-up and saw the goddess’s knife again, conveniently located in the hand next to the king. “Oh, no, he’s a dying god-king. She sacrificed him at the end of the summer.†Bitch. Screwing up my book and offing a perfectly good king. She drank again and said, “I’m taking a stand here. I don’t like Kammani Gula.â€
“But she brought him back,†Kami said, her voice calm. “He returns to her at the winter solstice. Now, Abby and Daisy–â€..>>>>>>>>
ok, my impression was she KNEW this in her own memory, not from anything she read, from the wall, but was internal knowledge…
right? or did she read it
ok, for drink, could it be that i is most proper to offer food or drink to visitors and would be considered mad manners or an offense to not accept what is offered.
so, the offering of the drink would be an extension of the ‘HOSTESS’ and to refuse would be rude? i grew up in Hungarian household, food was huge deal. given to guests, for rewards, if you were ill…you got food or drink.
i am proof of that! we know there are real other reasons she wants the three under the influence of the “memory juice” but the cover could be a simple case of manners?
or not
The dying god-king, the sacred king, is in just about every mythology, so she’d know about that. She’s a specialist in Mesopotamian goddesses, so she’d be able to read not only the cuneiform but the symbolism in the relief. So if you mean, did she supernaturally read it, no. It’s fairly common knowledge. Osiris in Egypt is a dying king, Christ is a dying king, Persephone is an early matriarchal dying “king.” Dumuzi is the most well-known of the Mesopotamian sacred kings but there are more.
But now I realize that in the forty-seven rewrites we did before you saw these drafts, the fact that Shar is a professor at the college got dropped out. Unless you can intuit that from the fact that she’s spent most of her life in the Ancient History building and that Mina was one of her students. I’m thinking yes. Fingers crossed.
As for the drink, Kami just needs them to drink it. It’s an American college town and this is a dog obedience glass, so there’s no tradition of hostessing or otherwise. The women showed up with their dogs and Kami served them Kool-aid. Shar didn’t want hers but she did want to know about the bas-relief, so, glug. She’s probably been to enough faculty parties where the hostess kept telling her to try the bean dip that this was just one more over-eager punch-maker.
Does the Kool-aid bit seem that out of whack, enough that it throws you out of the story?
>
ok, I was thinking maybe after drinking Kool-Aide, she was somehow having memories come up to surface that just pop’d out of her mouth, but when she didn’t appear all that surprised at what she said, I should have had a clue that wasn’t it.
This blog is an amazing companion piece to the writing workshop. I really see what you mean by beats now.
Oh, stop talking craft, Crusie. Just rattle out the words and feel the scene. You’ve been doing craft for years, now it’s time for going with your mojo. Or yoni, seeing as you’re the goddess of lust.
Jenny - I love the dying God-king theme. It has fascinated me ever since I read Guy Gavriel Kay’s The Summer Tree. But it’s a difficult concept to connect to in this day and age. With a few, extremely, notable exceptions, it seems the modern notion of masculine sacrifice is more the guns blazing, “take as many of them with you as possible”, kind of thing. But the knowing, accepting sacrifice given by a Summer or Harvest King is both more compelling and less accessible, at least to me. I would love to see you tackle it in a contemporary setting. But, of course, only if it sounds fun.
I’m not the goddess of lust, that’s Abby.
Shar is ecstasy. Jeez.
And yep, Sheagal, that’s what I have in mind. In fact, I even have some of that written. It just depends on how much chat about voluntary sacrifice survives the cuts for telling the story.
Some of you may notice that the header now says, “3c” instead of “3b.” That’s because I did another pass at the scene, based on something Krissie had done in the rewrite of her first scene that I really loved. The plan is that every time I revise, I’ll change the letter designation after the number.
I should be in the x/y/z phase by August.
Okay, so now we know why Wolfie needs a dog obedience class, AND we get the whole “finish the book” set-up. Cool. I LOVE seeing the rewrites.
And I love Wolfie - “almost as if he were muttering at her”. I’m finally understanding my new(er) dog! He’s wolfie’s littermate, complete with way, way back-story!