2. Daisy: Bailey & the Cute Trainer
Daisy Cobb’s hopes had remained high even as she’d limped into the storeroom of the Ancient History Building, the broken heel of her left sandal in one fist and a jerking leash attached to seventeen pounds of hyper Jack Russell terror in the other. It wasn’t until she’d scanned the room that it occurred to her that maybe the purple flyer offering free obedience classes wouldn’t be the magic answer from the universe she’d been hoping for. The storeroom itself was exactly what she’d expected; like the rest of the building, it was all stone. Walls, floors, everything - stone. What tripped her weird-o-meter was the stone altar in the middle of the room, looking hungry for a fresh sacrifice. Seven cheap folding chairs were arranged in a semi-circle around the altar, and the only light in the windowless room came from a series of kitschy 60-watt tiki torch lamps that created an incongruously cheerful, cheap K-Mart glow. If it wasn’t for the fact that five of the seven chairs were sporting women with dogs, she would have backed away slowly, sure she’d walked into the wrong place.
“Sorry I’m late.” She huffed upward to get a strand of hair out of her eyes - the two pencils holding the bun at the back of her head were coming loose – as Bailey danced around her feet, nearly pulling her off balance. “Is this…?” She uncrumpled the purple flyer, which she had clenched in her fist with the broken heel. “… Kammani-Gula’s Dog Obedience Course?”
“It sure is.” A lanky guy with dark hair, five o’clock shadow and lively blue eyes stepped out of the shadows behind the altar and pointed to an empty chair at the center of the semi-circle. “We just got started. Why don’t you have a seat?”
“Okay.” Daisy gave up the ghost on dignity, kicked off both sandals, and walked barefoot over to the seat, enjoying the cool stone against her feet. As she passed, she exchanged a small smile with a woman in her early twenties who looked like Venus sans the half-shell in a tank top and multi-colored peasant skirt. The woman’s dog, a statuesque Irish setter, sat at her feet, resting its glossy auburn head on her knee. Meanwhile, Bailey darted around like a kid with bees in his shorts. Daisy tossed the heel, shoes and the flyer on the floor under the chair next to Venus, plunked herself down and tried to bring her hopes back up to their pre-stone-altar heights.
This class was the answer. This class had to be the answer. If this class didn’t fix Bailey, she had half a mind to jab holes in a cardboard box and ship him back to Beth.
Except she couldn’t do that. She’d promised. She’d pinky swore.
She was so screwed.
“… and if there are any questions–.”
Daisy stood up and shot her hand in the air before the words were out of the trainer’s mouth.
“Yes, um…” His eyes were light and amused, despite the surroundings. He was either a genuinely nice guy or a charming doomsday cult leader. Only time would tell. He took a step closer. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I got your name.”
“Daisy.” She raised the leash, which was flying back and forth as Bailey whipped his head from side to side, starting yet another session of Is my tail still there? Yep, it’s still there! “I just have one quick question because there’s no point if the answer is no, but… you can fix him, right?”
The trainer’s eyebrows twitched toward each other. “That’s not exactly what we… do… here.”
“Oh, no.” Daisy pulled on the leash as Bailey darted out in front of her only to be instantly yanked back by his full body nylon harness. “I don’t mean fix him fix him. He’s been neutered. If my problem was something a vet or a syringe or a pill could fix, trust me, he’d be fixed. What I’m talking about is–”
On cue, Bailey shot up into the air, snapped at something that was either a hallucination or a wish, and landed on his feet again, his expression akin to a circus performer’s Ta-da! flourish.
“See?” she said, pointing. “That. That is what I’m talking about. Exactly that. Can you fix that?”
The trainer’s eyes locked with hers, and for a moment Daisy felt oddly dizzy. Then Bailey jerked to the left, making her stumble on the rough stone floor and blowing her shot at looking like not-an-idiot in front of the cute trainer.
Why oh why couldn’t Beth have been into fish?
“This class is all about developing a relationship with your dog–”
“Oh, he’s not mine,” Daisy said, then addressed the semi-circle. “He was my sister’s, but she went to Africa. She couldn’t take Bailey with her, because he’s a minion of Satan, and you wouldn’t believe the paperwork involved in getting a passport for a minion…” Daisy trailed off as she was met with a dark stare from a thin, pale girl at the edge of the circle, whose black Chihuahua was possibly the creepiest dog she had ever seen in real life. She cleared her throat and focused on the trainer’s friendly face. “He’s mine. Go on.”
“The point here is to help you develop a relationship with your… foster dog… so that you can live in harmony. Communication is the key, and it needs to go both ways.”
Right, Daisy thought. Because dogs can talk.
She looked down at Bailey, who stared back for a brief moment before deciding that he was late for his appointment to lick his netherparts. Daisy pulled her mini-notepad out of her back pocket. You can’t fail, after all, if you never give up.
The trainer clapped his hands together. “Okay. The first step to communicating with your dog is understanding him…”
As he talked, Daisy scribbled.
Pack animals.
Consistency.
Need an alpha dog…
Daisy raised her hand. “What’s an alpha dog? Is Bailey the alpha dog?”
“Not really. If Bailey’s the alpha, you’re in a lot of trouble.”
The pale girl smirked, and two teenagers in the seats next to her nudged each other. One of the teenagers had a fox hound in a pink cardigan, the other a fat poodle with a pearl collar and a tiara. And they were giggling. At her. Daisy glanced around and realized that, as usual, she was the only person in the room taking notes. She put her notepad away, sat down, and felt the hope seep out of her toes and into the cold stone floor. She’d just been mocked by Wednesday Addams and the Gigglemint Twins. That wasn’t good.
“You are thirsty.”
Daisy angled in her seat to see the assistant - a short, curvy woman with dark wavy hair, a tremendous bosom, and an unreadable smile - holding a tray with big plastic cups. The assistant selected one of the cups and held it out to Daisy as if she were offering a sacrament.
“No, thanks,” Daisy said. “I’m trying to lower my sugar intake to no more than forty grams a day, and I’ve already had a non-fat vanilla latte today. And a candy bar. So I’m over my limit.”
“You will like it,” the woman said, putting the drink in her hand.
“Who are you, exactly?” Daisy asked.
“I am Kami,” the woman said. “This is very good for you.”
“I’m really . . . ” Daisy said, but then a smell - minty and tart - drifted up from the cup. She glanced down at it; the liquid was red and swirly, and for a moment, she found herself mesmerized by it.
Yummy, yummy, yummy, a happy little voice said.
Drink it, another voice murmured.
Then Bailey barked and Daisy looked down and her whole body twitched in a visceral response to what she saw. There were two weird little giraffe-looking dogs with fluffy white pompom crowns and grinning faces, one taller and more slender, the other one shorter with sharper, deeper eyes. Both of them stared up at her, and she swore she saw the same look of determination from them that she was getting from Kami.
Bailey, tail wagging with enough energy to power a small city, danced around the freak dogs with delight, and they seemed to withstand him, and Daisy absently raised the cup to her lips and sipped.
It was definitely a mojito; as a matter of fact, it tasted just like the special mojitos Beth used to make for their girls’ nights, with a splash of blackberry juice in place of the lime. She glanced up to ask where she’d gotten Beth’s recipe, and why it was so red, but Kami had moved on, the freak dogs trailing behind her, so Daisy sat back and took a bigger swallow. Excitement rushed through her; she couldn’t wait to tell Beth she drank hooch at a doggy class with a stone altar and a cute trainer. She’d never believe it.
Bailey jerked at the leash again, almost making Daisy spill her drink, which was not acceptable. She downed the last of it and stood up as the trainer made his way toward them. Warm tingles ran down her arms and legs, and she liked the sensation. She made a mental note to ask where she could get that stuff after class.
“Hi, Daisy,” the trainer said, holding out his hand. “I’m Jamie.”
“Hi.” Daisy took his hand and–ooh, inappropriate happy feelings. Her face flushed, and she released him quickly.
“And this–” She pointed down to Bailey, who was sniffing at Jamie’s ankle with gusto. “–is Bailey.”
Jamie glanced down. “Hey there, Bailey.”
Bailey gave a quick bark of acknowledgement, then proceeded to run a circle around Jamie’s ankles, binding him up in the leash.
“Bailey!” Daisy reprimanded as Jamie stepped out of the leash loops. “I’m sorry. He’s totally out of control.”
“He seems okay to me,” Jamie said.
“He seems– sorry, what? He’s insane. Did you not see the thing before? With the hopping? Four feet up in the air for no reason? That’s not right.”
Jamie shook his head. “It’s right. He’s a Jack Russell. It’s their nature.”
Daisy took a deep breath as tension filled her shoulders. She hoped that Kami would come by with another round of hooch soon, because the happy-warmy was wearing off. “But that’s why I’m here. I need to get his nature under control.”
“Have you tried to control nature before?” Jamie asked. “It’s a losing battle.”
“What are you talking about? I control nature all the time,” Daisy said. “I grow plants in nice little controlled pots. Bailey knocks them over. I keep screens on my open windows to keep the bugs out. Bailey scratches holes in them. I have — correction — had a leather couch I kept pristine, until Bailey decided to tinkle his nature all over it. I’ve had him for exactly two days, and I promised my sister I wouldn’t kennel him, but if I don’t get his nature under control, I’m going to lose my mind.”
Shut up, she thought to herself, and was horrified to feel tears coming to her eyes. She blinked hard and sent them away. No way was she letting Bailey break her in front of the cute trainer.
“Come on.” Jamie knelt down, then glanced up at Daisy expectantly, so she knelt, too. He put one hand on the tip of Bailey’s ear, rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger, and Bailey sat down and panted quietly as though good behavior was something with which he had a passing acquaintance.
“Shameless faker,” Daisy muttered.
“Sorry?”
“Nothing,” Daisy said. “It’s just that he’s impossible no matter what I do, but you rub his ear for half a second and suddenly he’s calm.”
“It’s a pressure point,” Jamie said. He took Daisy’s hand, and again, Daisy felt tingles in her happy places. He guided her fingers to Bailey’s ear, keeping hold of them there, his touch gentle and yet oddly powerful. “Just put your thumb and forefinger on opposite sides and rub gently right… there.”
Jamie kept his hand on Daisy’s, helping her find the pressure point. Bailey panted happily, his focus flickering from her to Jamie and back again. As their fingers moved in time together, the tiki torch lamps seemed to brighten, and the gray colors in the room suddenly seemed less gray. She raised her eyes to Jamie’s wondering if he was feeling the same thing, and then she lost herself in the blue of his crinkly eyes and her skin felt tingly and hot and–
“Oh!” Daisy said as something snapped at the back of her head. Her hair fell loose, and two halves of one pencil clinked to the floor by her feet. Jamie reached toward her hair, and she didn’t back away, enjoying the feel of him as his fingers extracted the remaining pencil from her hair.
“Oh,” she said again. “Well, that’s odd.”
She grabbed the pencil and pulled her hair back. It was almost impossible to hold back with only one whole pencil, but she could try…
“Leave it,” Jamie said, taking her hand away from her hair and putting the two pencil halves into her palm. “I like it down.”
I like that you like it down, Daisy thought, but stopped herself from actually saying. A moment later, he stood up and moved on to Venus and her Irish setter. Daisy watched him for a moment, wondering what the hell had just happened as the tingling in her skin began to subside, then realized she was still rubbing Bailey’s ear. And he was still calm. It had been… what… forty-five seconds? A minute? And still, he panted at her feet.
“Wow,” Daisy said, pulling her hand back. “That’s incredib-”
Bailey darted up and covered her face with affectionate licks. Daisy swiped at her face, but didn’t scold him the way she usually did when he licked her. For some reason, suddenly, it wasn’t as gross.
Hmm. Must be the hooch.
She tucked the pencils in her back pocket and snuck one last look at Jamie, who was moving on from the setter to the unfortunate be-pearled poodle, as Bailey lurched sideways, making the nervous dachshund next to them scramble back a foot.
“All right, Bail.” Daisy sat back in her seat and allowed her hopes to rise again. “Maybe I won’t ship you off to Africa. Tonight.”
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Okay, it’s officially official now: I LOVE the Fun Book. Which means you guys are going to have to finish writing it. And Bailey-okay, I think I would have the box to Africa addressed and ready to go, but I love Bailey, too. It’s a kind of unexplainable love, but there it is. Can’t wait for scene 3!
Oh, and I love that Daisy drank the Kool-Aid-even if it’s not mentioned here that it’s Kool-Aid. I know it’s Kool-Aid, and that’s all that matters. Long live the Kool-Aid!
Lani - I truly laughed out loud when I was reading this. There were so many lines, but this was one of my favorites…’before deciding that he was late for his appointment to lick his netherparts’
Having dogs, I know they always pick the perfect time and place to do this, don’t they?
And Minion of Satan - BRAWAHAHAHA
Get post. If this is any indication of what this book will be like, it can’t be on the shelves too soon!
This book is great fun so far. I’m with the others that you really, really have to finish this and get it published somehow. All the wacky dog lovers of the world will want to read it. (And you may interpret that as wacky people who love dogs, or people who love wacky dogs - your choice.)
I love the line “Bailey darted around like a kid with bees in his shorts.” A simile that works - a very clear picture, and it brings a grin to my face.
My dogs (11.5 yo golden retriever Cody, and Casey, our golden retriever who passed away 2 years ago from cancer and spent a few months in a wheelchair at the end) rarely show that type of energy anymore, but I think a Jack Russell would dart around like that forever.
Not a dog lover but I sure like this book
If this is what three writers having fun reads like, well, keep having fun. Who cares if it never sees a bookshelf, as long as you keep posting excerpts that make us nod our heads in commisseration and laugh at lines like “She’d just been mocked by Wednesday Addams and the Gigglemint Twins.”?
(Although, I must say, I really like the feel of a book in my hands, and I doubt this would be the end of your careers if you submitted it to your agents…)
So she’s drinking pooch hooch?
I like Bailey. And Daisy. It’s all too funny. Keep the excerpts coming!
I have to say, I’m loving Bailey already. I can’t wait until the dogs start talking and hear what he has to say.
OK - I’m hooked. I’ll keep reading - provided of course that the 3 of you keep writing. (And, I am SO not a dog person. But, I like this story.)
OK - so when do we get Jenny’s excerpt?
Patience, young grasshopper. Good things to those who wait.
I’m so glad you guys are liking the book, but even more jazzed that some of you are falling for Bailey, too. I’m so attached to this fictional dog, I’m telling you. He’s just a joy to write.
Oh, and as far as publication and submitting to agents, it’s really more complicated than can we sell it. With Jenny Crusie and Anne Stuart on board, that’s pretty much a no-brainer. But right now, there are other things to consider, not the least of which is that, as soon as this is contracted, it ceases to be a Fun Book and starts to be a job. We’re having a blast, and we’ve all got solo “job” books in our respsective hoppers, so there’s just no need to sell it yet. But don’t despair of ever seeing it in print - we’re not saying that, either. We’re just enjoying it the way it is now… a Fun Book we’re sharing with Fun People. (That’d be you.)
And, also, for those of you who are interested, you get to watch the process of a collaboration all the way through from the beginning. Like a reality TV show, only on the web. Wait till we start putting up our Sunday night chats - now those are something!
So, all this to say… just hang on. It’ll be worth it.
I’ve been incredibly disappointed that I won’t be Lani’s stalker fan this coming weekend but now I have something wonderful to look forward to - new posts at my new favourite blog. When I’m homeless and living on the street with my dog because all of your blogs got me fired, it will be so worth it! : )
I have been a long time lurker at ALL of the Jenny sites but THIS one brought me out. I LOVE the Kool-Aid/Pooch Hooch. I adore Bailey and I can’t wait to see more of the cute trainer. Although the Kammi chick is giving me the creepy vibe - it’s ok ’cause I think she’s supposed to. Thank you wonderful ladies so much for being this accessible with your Fun Book. I wait with breath that is baited for the next installment!
Here’s an awkward confession… I’d not heard of Lani(you) until I’d read some posts at JC’s Forums, and now I’m a complete devotee of your voice! That dog, that guy, that Daisy and the hooch! I love it! I may have to go re-read Comeback Kiss. Your sense of humor just strikes me as right on the money, and I can’t help but “Baaah, haa” right out loud!
And yes, a Jack Russel is a tough dog to keep, the boing factor, but an easy dog to love. Does anybody else remember the PBS show Wishbone?
I loved Wishbone. I have EVERY ONE of Lani’s books, have bought some for the library and shared with my bestest friends. Lani is one cool chick. I found her through Jenny’s yahoo group and never looked back. But Lani in person is even better. I’m so sorry I’m not going to Wisconsin this weekend, but I have to work to support my book habit.
These three women have amazing voices. What a triumverate.
Andi - no worries, darlin’. I’m the literary world’s best kept secret.
And Sheryl, you are far lovelier than I could ever hope to be. I’ll miss you in Wisconsin this weekend!
Obviously you have spent time with a Jackie–they are abundantly springy!! Always busy….
Just keep feeding us tidbits–I’m enjoying the story this way just fine! Can’t wait to hear what the dogs have to say! *grin*
I love Bailey. I love Bailey licking his “netherparts” and being a “minion of satan.” In other words, I’m really enjoying the bits and pieces we’re getting.
Yay! I love the Fun Book, so far. Daisy and Bailey are fabulous and you made me snort out loud a few times while I was giggling.
Looking forward to more!
Andi if you get a chance buy Lani’s “Ex and the Single Girl” it is a great read and funny too.
Ladies I love the book so far and I love that you are willing to share it with us, especially from the beginning. Thank you.
Lani I’m still hoping you will change your mind and come to NJRWA. If that makes me a stalker then I can only say “Like mother, like daughter.” LOL
LMAO
i knew a Bailey…of course, he didn’t just lick his netherparts, if you get my drift.
BTW: i’m talking about a friend’s dog; the above sentence may not have made that clear
as soon as this is contracted, it ceases to be a Fun Book and starts to be a job.
DO NOT contract this book. Please. At least not for a long time. It is way too much fun as it is.
Oh, I can tell I’m going to be spending some major time here in the next few months.
If Jamie can rub Bailey’s ear and get that kind of reaction, you have to wonder what will happen when he rubs Daisy’s earlobe (-:. Oooh, tingly!
This is so great - I love Bailey! He is a lot like my Rupert in nature, who never walks when he can bounce.
Um, Lani? Excuse me? I have a /serious/ problem with this excerpt. It is /WAY/ too short. Could you please correct this problem?
No?
Oh well, it was worth a try. I’ll go try rubbing my dog’s ears instead
i hope rubbing ears is really a good thing for the dogs temperment, well h*ll guess the dog would enjoyit anyway. i kept expecting Baily to turn around and ask her to scratch just a little to the right please.
i know, wait, jumping the gun. it’s gonna be a good summer. let me know if you need research on ll0lb sweeties that think they are lapdogs. ours crawled to sleep on the top of the couch tonight to sleep. the fact it is not pushed against a wall, just out in the open, didn’t bother him.
guess i should clean the couch off, he just climbed over laundry and all to perch there like the cats do. i got pictures.
Micki - Yes. Jamie is very good with his hands.
Mary the CB - actually, it runs a little long for what we wanted in the first chapter. Our original idea was 1500 words for our opening scenes, and this clocks in, I believe, at about 2600. But I can’t cut anything. No worries, though. Jamie, Daisy and Bailey will be getting plenty of screentime in the rest of the book.
patmcaudel - When I took the real Bailey to dog obedience class, this is what the guy told me. Rub the ears. It didn’t work. Then again, he was no Jamie…
Lani - not for much longer, at least outside Atlanta. I hand out The Fortune Quilt like Halloween candy… friends, book clubs, baseball moms, passersby, whoever.
I don’t see where you could cut in that piece. It needs that frenetic pace to match Bailey’s general world view.
Wonderful! I so get the fun book idea. As much as I love the idea of buying this book, I love the fun part even more. So I vote for web-based fun, as long as we get to be the peanut gallery. I also love the dog philosophy. You can try all you want, but you can’t change a dog’s essential nature. (Not so different from people) The best you can do is reach an understanding.
OMG! This is about the funniest scene ever. All the lines already quoted as being both fun to read and imagine - bees in the shorts, late for an appointment, gigglemint - are great! But they don’t take over the narrative of the story. I have a problem reading Terry Pratchet sometimes because he tries to be *so clever* with every sentence that you lose the story in that sentence and therefore neither works. Not a problem here. Just wonderful, IMHO.
Although I am wondering, for a minion of satan, why Bailey’s nickname isn’t spelled “Baal”…
CrankyOtter: *snort* i can see Bailey turning around and saying, “you know, you’ve been pronouncing my name wrong…”
“Gigglemint twins” !! ROTFLOL, *snort*, indeed!
I love Bailey. Really really love and want a Bailey. The Dogs Trust is beckoning for this summer.